Let Me Be Real For A Moment -- Part Deux

I am cool with my cancer...I mean, in a way it has had some good, you know. Sounds weird to say but priorities and importance of things in life...having dealt with this beast, it seems easier and clearer to me now...not the events of Jason's death or my hubby leaving me but all the stuff in between there, like material stuff. I want connection to people...real emotional connections and stuff like that...prime importance. Hmm, I am not sure if I am articulating it well so I will ponder it some more and try again. Anywho, I know I will be OK no matter what happens in life. My gyn/onc has been great and he has given me very sound advice on living life now. My gyn/onc is an amazing doc. Sorry if the impression on my previous blog was that my gyn/onc was not being hopeful...he always has been and still is. I think hope is a necessary part of this journey.

The reason I felt compelled to write the previous blog was because some people have taken it upon themselves to tell people that I am cured...and I have been straight with them about my current health status....and yet they continue to tell people I am cured. This journey is hard enough without having to revisit this issue over and over again for this particular reason...having to do that is very emotionally draining and exhausting. I am OK with whatever happens in regards to surviving this disease or moving onto the next life because of this disease. But spreading the idea that I am cured hurts and frustrates me. This trivializes my experience and the emotions I feel and the questions and issues I face now. I have asked that they not do this because it does not support me nor help me out at all. It holds me back and attempts to hold me down, stuck to one spot and unable to step forward.

I like to think of myself as quite practical. I choose to live in reality and face the truth of things to the best of my abilities. If I see a problem I want to figure out how to solve it and deal with it...might be the teacher in me there. That being said, I do have hope, but I have redefined hope for myself.

When this journey first began I could not even imagine the possibility that I could die. I was going to beat this beast no problem! Then I got the pathology results back...36 hours after Jason was killed...yikes, stage 4...my breath was taken from me, literally...and after we found this out we drove from my gyn/onc's office to the car yard in Wyoming to clean out Jason's car...my first time seeing Jason's car after his death. The only way to survive all of these emotionally traumatic events at once was to be emotionally numb...or, actually, I went into emotional shock. I did not know what to think or say or do or feel or how to live. Jason's death and then my pathology results...how did God expect me to make it through all of this?????????? But, the sun continued to rise and set so I had no time to let anything sink into my brain nor did I have time to allow myself to grieve anything that was happening in my life.

Jason...we had to focus on saying good bye to Jason -- planning out Jason's funeral, preparing for Jason's visitations, deciding how I thought Jason would want to be buried, choosing and buying a plot for Jason, picking the casket, choosing the pall bearers, choosing what clothes to bury Jason in, writing an obituary for the papers, gathering pictures so a DVD presentation could be made, creating albums of pictures to display at the funeral home, keeping my fingers crossed that it could be an open casket, cleaning out Jason's apartment, calling our friends and family -- the list goes on...it all needed to be done and he was my brother and my very best friend so I needed to be a part of EVERYTHING regarding Jason. So much to do in one short week because I was starting chemo the following week...exactly one week to the day after Jason's funeral...my emotional shock continued...and hope...it got lost in here for a little bit.

Through out Jason's death and my cancer I have redefined not only what it means to be OK but also what hope means for me. Hope, to me, revolves around the notion that no matter what happens I will be taken care of....I will be OK. I have hope that things will turn out the way they should be...that good will triumph in the end. I have hope that I will see Jason again. When hope only meant that I would live and beat cancer I was afraid to die. I am not afraid to die now. Before me lies a fork in the road...and no matter what way my journey takes me, I will be OK. You will be OK.

Hugs,
Liz