REM

I love the dream world...that place our minds take us during REM sleep...most times I have fun dreams that I love to remember. Lately I have been dreaming about Jason. Most times in the dream there is nothing special going on, just going through the motions of life, like talking to people or something and I feel this pressure inside of me...and then I cannot stop it and I start balling my eyes out about Jason and I am repeating that I have not grieved him. It is weird and the one night I woke up and there were some actual wet spots. I sometimes drool so I am not sure if it was drool or if I was sympathetic with my dreams and shed some tears in real life while I was sleeping. I have had dreams where Jason was alive too but I could not see his face...I knew it was Jason but I just could not see his face no matter how much I tried to. One of the most vivid "alive" dreams of Jason is my parents deciding to take us on a cruise...but it is like winter season and the sky is grey and it is more like a freighter than a cruise ship...and it is docked at a place like the Welland Canal...it was mainly just Jason and I in the dream...we were sharing a room and hanging out together and when we were on the deck the waters got a little rough and started to rock the ship and waves were crashing up...and then it was like that dream where you are trying to move but some force is not allowing you to...I was trying so hard to make it to the inside of the ship but couldn't get over there because of the wind and Jason had already made it inside, I think...he had struggled too but then it was just me on the deck trying to fight the wind...that is the most I remember about it.

I will be honest to admit that I have not really dealt with Jason's death...jumping into chemo treatment not even a week after we buried him is a big factor in that I believe...and the pressures and stress I have been under since treatment has been done...they are taking up my thoughts and my energy. My biggest wonder is if my emotions or subconscious will get sick of me not dealing with Jason's death and that it will just hit me one moment, you know...like in the dream when all of the sudden I could not stop crying. There have been moments through out my days where I have wanted to cry but I don't...I don't allow myself...like people will roll their eyes at me for crying over Jason still, you know. I am not sure.

I sometimes get angry with everything I am going through and the stress and pressures. I just want to have a break, you know, and relax. I want to take the time to grieve Jason and recall memories. I want to be able to grieve my cancer and the loss of my ability to have children and all that is wrapped into that experience. I am not sure if it is the same for a lot of people who have battled cancer but now that I am done treatment, it does not mean that I am back to myself again. So many challenges...thank goodness for the retreat and conference...they are geared to help us express our emotions and thoughts and how to take the steps to "re-interjectorization"...moving back into life. You like that word? Kinda cool...got it from the RealTime Cancer Retreat in Montreal. What is the idea behind this term??

"Dis-interjectorization is kind of like [...]… one day you're driving down the road on the way to a smokin' party, the next day you have cancer and are having chemo… you have been dis-interjectorized into this whole new world - the cancer world. Many crazy, [sucky] and amazing things happen in this place. Some of us get stuck there, and many of us end up in "cancer purgatory" not getting back to "normal" but definitely past the cancer patient mode… for lots of us it is the "re-interjectorization", the getting back on the highway and heading to that party and to all the other incredible things you want to do in this life, that can be the biggest challenge of all." (www.realtimecancer.org)

Well said!

Cheers,
Liz