Making Memories

Is it really that horrible to have cancer? I am not sure. Before these past few months I would have agreed but tonight as I was thinking about my life and where I am...I do not believe I would trade places with anyone nor ask for a different path. The road has been incredibly hard at times and continues to be but the unknown associated with this disease...well, it is almost freeing in some ways. I do not think I ever would have thought this going through treatment nor receiving my pathology results...I had to journey to this place I am at. It was hard and I did fight it. I remember the days when hope was just an empty four letter word and when "being OK" was an assurance that I would live until I am 85. I remember all too well the feeling of panic and dread. I remember lying in bed for days crying, sobbing to heaven and asking God why I had to go through all that I have on my plate. I remember having nightmares. I remember the absolutely painful feeling of not wanting to go on in life because it seemed hopeless and I had no idea how to keep going on. I remember and still live the times when I feel so alone. I know all to well the feelings of agony, depression, and a deep, throbbing sense of despair. I remember feeling like I am in a cave, where I can see absolutely nothing nor could I feel my way out of it...I felt scared, alone and very frightened...I felt like I was standing there, waiting for some kind of help but I was not sure what to expect nor if any help was coming. I was not even sure what was up or down. It has been a LONG road. But I am here now...where I am...and I would not trade it for anything.

I am still in the dark cave but I am not scared...and although I cannot see the light I am no longer frightened. I have decided to enjoy my time in the cave, you know. Sometimes we are where we are in life and we cannot fight it. Just listen..tune out the voices around me and in my head. I am in the cave for a purpose and I want to fulfill that purpose. I am not sure what it is but I am not scared, and that makes a world of a difference when living in this cave. I like growing as a person...it can be a struggle and very difficult but knowing that I will be better for it makes it all the more worthwhile to me. Never be afraid to live.

There was a short piece of writing I have always enjoyed. The idea behind it was: live your life in such a way so that when you are 85 years old and looking back on your life you can relive it and enjoy it all over again. I like to sum this idea up in four words --> make your memories count. So that is what I am trying to do...make my memories count. In the dark cave I find myself, I am not fretting about getting out or "seeing the light" anymore but rather making my time in the cave count. I decided that frantically looking for a way out was not working so I needed to try something new. When my days are coming to a close, I want to look back on my life and feel a sense of peace and joy. It may not be when I am 85 but whenever it is, I want to enjoy my memories.

I gave a short little talk at St.Chris' a few weeks ago where I quoted Abraham Lincoln for something he said that furthers the idea of making your memories count:

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

So true.

Hugs,
Liz