On The Horizon

Time. Wish I could bottle it up or stop it for a little bit or live in a timeless world.

Jason's one year "anniversary" of his death is on the horizon. I visit his grave several times a week still. To me, with all I have been through during the past year, it feels like he has been gone so much longer. It sucks. I sometimes have trouble remembering things, you know.

I don't know what to say anymore.

Jason was funny. A lot of my friends thought he was good looking but he never thought he was that good looking of a guy. LOL, girls always stared at him though. Bless his heart, he was a little absent-minded!

He loved putting me and his cousins into headlocks.

He would return your phone call usually quite a number of days after you called...or he would just show up at your doorstep.

He really enjoyed working out. When I first started working out in uni he was the one who took me and taught me a bunch of routines and gave me info about what to do.

He loved riding rollercoasters!

He always made trips to visit me when I was in uni.

He loved his Birkenstock sandals...when I was living in London and he came to visit me we searched for quite a number of hours for the perfect Birkenstock sandal!

He rarely wore a winter jacket...much to my parents chagrin. LOL

He comforted me during thunderstorms when we were little kids.

We fought over the channel changer a lot as teenagers! LOL

He loved his cousins very much.

We called each other "nerd" and "geek" a lot. :+)

He was a kind and generous person.

He hated school...but he went back to school the September before he died.

...

I am guessing that this void I feel...this empty space inside that appeared the second I found out Jason was dead will always be there...there is no filling it here...it is uncomfortable...like something is out of place and out of order...it is so uncomfortable learning to live with this feeling.

People ask how I live and go forward with Jason's death, the cancer, and my ex leaving me...really, I have no answer. I don't know...you just do. When faced with all of these events in less than a year...hmm...there are two basic choices really....lay down and die OR live and learn and grow.

I chose to live and learn and grow.

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have,
and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown,
believe that one of two things will happen to you:
either there will be something solid for you to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly."

Hugs,

Liz