Delay with Doctor's Visit

My appointment with my gyn/onc was changed until next week. I have 2 appointments in July with my gyn/onc now. The first one, which was the one that has changed, is to talk about how treatment went and what the follow up is going to entail. The second one is the actual first follow up-check up. How it works out is about every one and a half months I will have a follow up appointment...rotating between the gyn/onc and the rad/onc. There is some comfort knowing that I will not go too long without seeing a doctor. I have already had my first follow up with my rad/onc and so far so good, I guess. He just did an exam and, well, I honestly can't remember what was said or anything. LOL...story of my life now!

I am quite sure I have accepted whatever fate may be mine and that I will be OK regardless of what happens in the future.

I know that it can bother people that I am not ignoring the fact that I can die from this disease but, I need to acknowledge this and make other people aware, too. I do not mind people saying, "I think you are going to be just fine" or "You don't need to worry, everything will be just fine" to me. I realize it is said with the best intentions and that people are aiming to make me and themself feel better (don't worry about censoring what you say to me, I take NO OFFENCE, please believe me...I know it may be hard to think of what to say to me...no grudges held at all!!!!!!) but, I always feel the need to acknowledge the fact that everything may not be fine; however, I am OK with that. I will take each day I am given. It does not mean I am dwelling on it nor have I lost hope. However, if I go around ignoring this fact, that the cancer can recur, then I think it would be that much harder to deal with it if I have ignored this possibility all along. Will I be fine? I hope so but, there is no guarantee.

I will honestly admit that with everything going on right now I sometimes wonder if life would be "easier" if it were to return, you know. Then I would not have to deal with everything. If you have never been in my situation, you may have a hard time understanding. Heck, even if you have been in my position you may still shake your head. But, what makes me smile is I have faith that I will see Jason again and that when I pass on there will be that ultimate happiness that is only dreamed of here and there will be no more pain or hurt or suffering. Then, after I think that path would make life "easier," I go to God...I pray for forgiveness for that thought...it is such a loaded one given the disease's advanced diagnosis.

In a way I feel BLESSED to be going through what I am. I am discovering the strength God has blessed me with and I feel I am becoming a better person because of what I have had to endure. Would I have chosen the events that have befallen me? Heck NO. But, I will deal with them and do my best to overcome them. I am still here and still moving forward. That amazes me. It is no secret that I am down (figuratively) and I feel I have been kicked while down but, I am still able to keep moving forward and as I do move forward I get a better perspective with each step. It is scary and I do not necessarily want to take steps forward, which is why I feel blessed with parents who help me move forward and think beyond my emotions...to reach inside myself and look into my heart...instead of just reacting.

I have been having more dreams that I am bleeding and that the cancer has returned but I try not to recall them or think much about them. It is only natural that I have those dreams and it is quite common with those who have battled cancer. I have decided to take each day as it comes and to look for the little blessings in my every day life. And to look for the good in other people, too. One thing I have learned through all of this, and experienced myself, is that anger is always covering up something else we feel much deeper -- like an insecurity or a fear or a disappontment. Most of the time, instead of trying to figure out why we are angry, there is a tendency just to react and make decisions based on that anger...without getting at the root of the anger. I try to remember this...and recognize it in myself.

I can't change the past or the events that have transpired but I can choose how to react and deal with them...and the more days that are separating me from my last day of treatment the stronger and more able I become. I find that I tend to react right away to things emotionally. I still do but I am trying to think about why I feel certain emotions...so if someone says something to me, why do I feel what I do...what is the root behind what I feel? It is hard (tough task to be honest with ourselves and face why we feel the way we do) and fascinating (learning more about ourselves in the process) at the same time. Maybe I have too much time to think right now but, I feel I am using this time to try and make myself a better person. Well, that is my intended aim.

I received a card in the mail from a special friend and the caption on the front made me laugh and gave me a new perspective when looking at things. I will share it:

"If you can't jump over life's hurdles, limbo under them."

Cheers,
Liz

ps - I thought I would post this humourous picture of a squirrel trying to break into my house by scratching through the screen. Thank goodness the window was shut! Hahahahaha!!

"Plus 8"

Tonight I was watching a marathon on TLC of "Jon and Kate Plus 8." I had never seen it before and I ended up watching basically the whole season. It is about a couple who wanted to have children and needed fertility treatment to help them achieve their dream. The first time around they ended up with twins and the second time around they ended up with sextuplets...hence the "Plus 8" in the show's title. I watched it with an ache inside. They are experiencing a joy in life I cannot experience for myself...not in the way I dreamed. Yea, I know there is adoption but to think of adoption right now is a bold thought...I need to be humble in my thoughts...but, I want to be experiencing the joys and pains of pregnancy and parenthood right now like so many of my friends.

I cannot have my own children because of the surgery I had to try and rid my body of the cancer. I feel so womanless without my parts and hormones...and I am walking around bald. Sometimes I forget I am bald only to pass by a mirror or reflective window where I catch my reflection and am jolted a bit by what I see. I am unattractive. That is clear. I sometimes miss my hair...the blondness of it that will probably be lost forever...I will be joining the ranks of ladies who dye their hair on a regular basis. Makes me sad.

And back to the hormones for a second...I HATE that I am in surgical menopause. Totally HATE it. I know I am not the first to be too young to have to be thrown into menopause but, I just want to reiterate that I HATE it nonetheless. Bone loss, skin changes, emotions running wild, mood swings...at least I can be thankful I do not suffer from hot flashes or night sweats! Yea! (knock on wood...hahaha!)

And let me be honest, this will be hard for me to admit but, I wonder who would want to spend their life with me? Really. I cannot have children and I cannot guarantee that the cancer is gone. Sounds promising, eh? Then, I think, those thoughts are in vain...I just need to take things one day at a time and handle what comes up in that day. Why worry? And I think, as I type this, it is not so much a worry as it is a letting go of dreams...especially that dream of a family that I saw on "Jon and Kate Plus 8."

Just watching that marathon on TLC made me ache for my own family. For Christmas Days with my own children, for birthday parties for my own children, for Mother's days, and just for the hectic everyday life of having a family of my own. To be that one and only person that a child wants to comfort them...that love that a mother gives her child...

I sometimes wish I could see the greater picture and purpose to all this. If only God would let me in on why all this is happening. I would love to know the reasons for everything that has happened but, alas, I must keep the faith and trust that there is a greater purpose even though God does not let me in on it.

Cheers,
Liz

Roller Coaster...

OK, so I had a GREAT visit and talk with Grandpa tonight. He is so full of life experience it is amazing. We talked about Jason, his new deck, how he is feeling, how I am feeling, faith, God and Jesus, and everything in between. He had some sage advice for me. He has a patience with me that I think can only come from grandparents. He is the best Grandpa. :+)

After some reflection and trying to see out of my 2x2 box I have been living in for the past 8 months I can honestly see how some people may have taken some things I have written on here the wrong way... although I feel the need to say it again --> I never intended to offend. If you were offended by anything I wrote, I apologize. At the time of some of these blogs I felt so alone and almost as if I was crazy. When I am in such self doubt and confusion I spew words...trying to understand things I need to talk and write things out and since I felt so alone I came here spewing trying to find...something. Comfort, maybe, or a feeling of normalcy...trying to babble my way out of thinking I am not crazy...looking for people to tell me I was not crazy. My emotions have been all over the place and I hope I have not given any of you a ride on them. Chemo brain, all the pills, surgical menopause, and the death of Jason have all contributed to my emotional roller coaster ride. I am not using that as an excuse, just stating some facts. Please don't hold it against me. :+)

The worst part of it all, for me, is that I have been reacting for so long. That is it, just reacting to things. And in just reacting I have not always thought things through nor deciphered my emotions and I have said some things I did not mean out of anger and hurt....and that is not the person I want to be. I look back at some of the blogs and I cringe when I read them. But a wise friend said to me that although it may be hard to go back and look at what we have written, it goes to show that we have grown. So, I am hoping that is what has happened to me. I was torn between deleting them and leaving them but, after reading the wise words about looking back I decided to keep them. To remind myself where I was and that things will get better and that I am better than I was. I read a saying once and I think it aptly applies here:

I may not be where I want to be but, I thank God I'm not where I used to be...I'm OK...and I'm on my way.

I ended the day with a good talk with my parents, too. I have always trusted my parents to be able to see things that I don't always see and to listen to the way I see things, too. Especially Dad...I am sure Mom would agree. He has some wisdom and rationality in him and a way to see things that most people don't always see, which I appreciate and count on. And, of course, I count on Mom to listen to all my thoughts; the good, the bad, and the ugly...and she understands and soothes in the way only a mother can. So blessed to have the parents I have and I know Jason felt the same way, too.

Well, I am off to get something to eat. I have not eaten in way too long...I am finding that recently I am not too hungry at all and.......ladies, read with caution......chocolate is a turn off!!!!!!! I know, it is horrible. I used to really enjoy some nice chocolate. But, not anymore. What is up with my eating? I am looking quite...ummm, thin, I guess you could say. Like, I know I should eat but, when I do, I feel nauseous. So weird, eh. And I am a girl who really LIKED to eat. Hahaha. I am hoping that when Kim comes to Canada that we will bake some banana muffins though....I never turn down Kim's banana muffins...I think when I went to visit her in May she made about 3 dozen or so banana muffins and I don't hesitate to say I think I ate 99% of them. Hahaha.

Cheers,
Liz

Dream

Adding a WHOLE new dimension to the journey.

Let me explain the new dimension. In treatment things seem more...umm...proactive and comforting, maybe. In treatment I know things are being done to fight the remaining cancer cells floating throughout my body. But, now that the treatments are done, there is nothing I can do proactively anymore. Well, I mean I can eat well and exercise and handle stress productively and think positive but, somehow, having chemo run through my veins or radiation beamed into me seems more comforting and proactive. There are no margins to say that the cancer is gone. I need to keep track of every little ache and pain and bring it to my gyn/onc when I see him. I can't lie, sometimes, especially when the ache or pain is in my mid section, the thought runs through my mind, "I hope it isn't the cancer." So, I am just entering this phase and I find it icky. I have not balanced keeping track of aches and pains with just plain old living day to day without the word "cancer" sitting on my shoulder whispering into my ear....and I have not learned yet to ignore that whispering voice or if we cancer people can actually ignore it.

Which leads me to my title "Dream." I had a dream last night that I was bleeding and I just knew in my dream the cancer had never left me and it was just waiting for treatment to be done to start growing again. In the dream I was in the washroom in my house and the blood was just coming out of me and I was like, "Oh no, the cancer is back." It was a quick and horrible dream. I am fearful that with everything that is going on the cancer will grow back because of it.

I must state that I am not perfect, I am sure everyone is aware of that. I am not an angel nor do I pretend that I have no issues to work through. I have done some things that I am not necessarily proud of nor do I feel like they are an act of the person I want to be. Some of them are (this is not an exhaustive list):

- I have yelled and said things I did not mean, nor can I even recall some of them I am sure, at my husband. I was so angry at him because I felt he had emotionally detached from me. I see the cycle we had gotten ourselves into

- I have had yelling fights with my mother, 3 to be exact (well, she said 4...that I got mad at her on the phone but I don't remember that one...it was right after chemo so unforetunately I have no idea what it was about)

- I have not thought about how what I write on my blog will effect people close to me who read it nor have I thanked those in my family enough on here...I have thanked/recognized gestures from others more than family

- some people say "you look good" and I sometimes get annoyed with it, well, I did...it gets overdone. I am trying to take the compliment now. Sometimes it is hard to take compliments when you feel so horrible

- to some people's chagrin I have been swearing...not very becoming nor the person I want to be

- I like to have the car at my beck and call whenever I want. That is not fair to Neil

- I can be controlling (really, what woman does not like being in control and if no one helps to GENTLY let a woman know that she needs to control down.....?)

- I have a strong personality --> sometimes this is good, sometimes it is not but, having a strong personality does not mean I am a bad person

- I am stubborn

- I don't like asking for help around the house because I like things done my way in my house, so, I figure, I may as well do it myself...and, I realize, if I don't ask for help I should not complain about it (i.e. my messy house)... I just figured that out

- in large groups of people I tend to feel awkward and I detach from the situation and try to slink into the background; I see now that this comes across as me being a snob...but I still feel awkward and instinctively slink into the background, realize it, and then feel stupid

- I have put myself first most of the time in the past several months

- I have talked a lot about myself and my journey in the past several months

- cancer is a part of all my thoughts and is always on my mind

It is fine to help show someone the err of their way but, there is a respectable and loving way to do it...if you have held in your anger and thoughts so long that you explode, do it on your own time, gather your thoughts, then go to the person. The only thing yelling, screaming, accusing, and blaming does to your target is cause them to be defensive and definitely not open to anything you say. I know I am guilty of doing this exact thing and I see, from my experience, how it just closes off the other person or puts them in the defensive. And I know the feeling of defensiveness when you are the target.

When in university I learned a technique called "active listening." It is something that seems so simple but, can work really well. Also, it is best to tell someone, I think, how you feel instead of saying something about them...just say something for yourself. Like, if you want to say, "You don't hug me enough" maybe try opening up the topic with "I need to be hugged more by you." Make sense? I don't know but, I think anything is better than yelling and screaming and accusing and blaming.

Cheers,
Liz

It Should Have Been Me

Yes, that is how I feel, I am not going to deny it anymore. I try to pretend to myself that I don't think this but, I do. And IT IS TRUE. I feel I should have been the one to die, not Jason. He was/is a better person than me. He had such a HUGE heart and he should be here. I would change places with him in an instant...I would have. He deserves to be here. He is the one that was good with people and a great guy and would do anything for anybody and he was always there for me. He had such beautiful eyes and a gorgeous smile. He was such a handsome man. I think now how on a "regular" night, long before all the grief and death entered my life, I would have called him up to go rollerblading or for a walk under the bridge...these nice summery nights make me think to the many many many walks and roller blades and car rides we took together and all that time we had together. Why did it have to end? And I so selfishly need him here, right now. Why? I would have taken his place. I am just so thankful that we did have all that time together.

Why did he have to go? I can go, I would go for him. I don't understand. I am sick! I am the one who has the huge mountain in front of them, not him!!!! Take me!! Not him! He was healthy. He was strong. He was always trying to be a better person...I, on the other hand, am a lost soul. I am spent. I am done. I have never been through this before and, so, how to be and how to think is something I have no protocol to follow. No one understands and that causes so much strife for me. I am done. I can meet nobody's expectations. I am hallow.

His face was a safety for me. I felt no fear when I saw it. I knew that when I saw that face, everything would be OK, and we had each other, no matter what. Now all I have are pictures............and memories. I am staring at the last picture I ever took of him last summer. He had come over for dinner and Princess, she always loved him coming over, had jumped all over him and sat by him and he decided to take her for a walk. I snapped the picture when they returned from the walk. His car is in the background....when ever he left here I always nagged him to drive safe and wear his seat belt because I love/d him so much...I was always afraid I would lose him in a car accident. I never told anyone that before the accident. But, no matter how far away I was in the hospital or at school, he always came.

Can people forgive me on the merit of what I am going through and understand that I am so lost and confused? I have flaws, lots of them, but I am still human. I screw up. I make mistakes. I turn people off. I anger people. My words here, meant for the journey, cause anger and strife. I don't know what to do...I need to put these words here...they are a part of a therapy...for me.

And now the day-to-day living is REAL. Is that pain cancer? Is that ache cancer? Is it growing somewhere within me at this moment? Already it has started. I should be out living life and taking life in. No one can understand unless they have lived or are living it.

But I am OK. I can make it.

Cheers,

Liz

Song Time

Here is a song by Rascall Flatts that I really dug at a time in my life quite a number of years ago when I was the typical 20-something trying to figure out life and where I was called to be...and now it has popped back up, still as a 20-something, and it brings memories and hope to me. Life has changed and I am not sure what the future holds for me but, I will keep moving forward, clean the skeletons out of my closet and be at peace with God because I believe I have been freeing myself of anger and misunderstanding. I have attempted to face my demons, and the ones I had no idea were there. The future road looks a bit scary and I can not tell where it goes but, I know I will be fine, no matter what my future holds, I will be OK.

So, I share it with you now:

T Minus 7 Hours Until My Last Chemo

Can you believe it? I am not sure how to feel about this. I can handle some more, eh. I mean, especially if it would help me in the long run. It is hard to imagine treatment being over. What now? Back to "normal?" There is NO WAY that is going to happen. I have to create a new "normal" for me, as much as I don't want to. Jason is dead...that blows the theory of going back to "normal" out of the water for me. How can life be normal? That is what I ask. It can't be. I am sure in 5 years (God willing) I will be living that new "normal" but some things stay with you forever. And wouldn't you know that death and cancer tend to be 2 of the top things that stay with you forever.

I will NEVER get over Jason being killed and taken away. Never. No matter what age, death is a painful event. However, I will learn to live without him here (is that possible?) or, shall I say, I will learn how to make it through each day without feeling the need to breakdown and cry and ask "why". I don't think the death of a loved one is something people "get over." Hmm, maybe what happens is we "move on with life" but not "get over" the death. Some people think I am wacko because of my anger. "Some people" just don't get it; however, some people do, and some people do appreciate and admit they don't get it...bless their hearts. Still some others..I don't know what they think other than I have no right to be angry any more....like there is a time period for grieving...like you hit the 7-month mark and *poof* everything is all better. Sorry, there is so much to grieve and accept that I have put no time frame on the grieving process for anything:

1. Jason -- killed in a car accident: no warning, no goodbye, nothing...just a phone call at 2:30am from my mother to say that he was dead...and had died 3 1/2 hours beforehand...6 DAYS after I returned home from my surgery to "remove" the cancer from my body

2. cancer has robbed me of my ability to have my own children... I have NOT EVEN had the chance to have a child of my own...very few know what this feels like...it coincides with #3 and #4...

3. cancer has taken all of my parts that make me a woman...I am young, can you even fathom this if it has not happened to you? I DO NOT FEEL like a women. What is the glory of being a woman? For me, it was the ability to bear children...

4. cancer has thrown me into surgical menopause (can relate to none of my friends about this)...no female hormones racing through my body and I am not able to try to replace them...for fear that the cancer will start to grow again...and this is just one more thing I have to research and learn about because I thought I had a good 25-30 years before having to worry about this and all the issues and concerns that come with it

5. cancer has caused me to endure chemo and radiation...although these are not pleasant experiences I cannot lie, I am proud to say I have been through both of these and all the effects of them (even the very very painful and lingering problems, I mean, it is a part of me now, why be ashamed? It sucks; however, I feel a part of an elite group of people who have experienced these two treatments..some many many more times than myself)

6. cancer has given me routines that cause me to inflict pain on myself daily (OK, kind of contradicts #5 but, there are some experiences that do continually cause me to inflict pain on myself; however, I hope that eventually the pain will cease and the understanding I have is, pain today, better tomorrow)

7. cancer makes me feel ugly...so very ugly, I look in the mirror and want to cry at the reflection looking back at me. I am bald, pale, and gaunt...some places are a little flabbier than they were before because a chance to work out is few and far between at the moment

8. cancer has made me rethink all of my life's goals, as it has completely changed what was supposed to be "normal" (mainly, to raise a family. Everything was based around this, which I sooooo wanted)

I know there is the option of adoption but, I would say no. I cannot even BEGIN the process until I have been healthy for five years. And we know that it can take quite a number of years to apply and even get a child...and lots of disappointment and hurt can come from this process, as I have learned from those who have experienced it. And think of this, if you were giving up a child, would you chose someone who has had cancer to raise your birth child or would you chose couple B who have had no serious health problems?

There are also positives and blessings I have received and continue to receive, and I have listed some of them (it is not an exhaustive list) on my homepage to this blog, since being diagnosed with cancer. I have bad days but, I also have good days. I am not as afraid to be happy as I was before -- when Jason died, I felt like I could not be happy because that would be betraying his memory and, somehow, ignoring the fact that he is gone and life will NEVER be the same, like it was an insult to Jason that I could be happy after his premature death. Now, however, I know this is irrational but, I am not sure why, yet. And even though he is dead, I still want to protect him. Weird, eh? I am not sure if anyone can understand what I mean but, I am sure there are some people who feel the same way about a loved one of theirs. I mean, there is nothing to protect him from, in fact, he is no longer needing any protection from pain, suffering, and the tragedies life can deliver into our laps. Only us who remain behind, who mourn his death, need the protecting.

Would things be as they are if Jason was not killed? No. And for so many reasons. I miss him for soooooooooo many reasons and in sooooooooooo many ways and one of them was that Jason would stand up for me to those who try to kick me while I am down. He would not put up with it. We defended each other and stood up for each other and looked out for each other and supported each other and encouraged each other. I have tried to convey this before without sounding too weird but, we were best friends. I can't explain it. We had this uncanny connection. We weren't perfect or anything but, we connected with each other in a way that I thought was normal and now, after his death, I realize how we were so lucky to have had that connection...it is not always normal.

If you have not had cancer, nor been in a situation like mine, it is hard to fathom what is going on in my head. Even I have a hard time trying to understand all the feelings I feel and the thoughts that race through my mind. Going through treatment and dealing with my illness delays all processes of grieving.

I am aware that there are people worse off than myself. I am also aware that there are people who are better off than myself, too. In the end, I tell myself there is no competition with anyone, nor is there any comparison to be made with anyone through out our lives. We all have to get through what we are given by life and it is SO EASY for outsiders to say that they would handle my situation differently or whatever. But, in reality, it is a TOTALLY DIFFERENT story when we have to endure it. With emotions, feelings, analyzing, trying to understand, etc, it becomes very confusing, which is why we need other people's help. It is unfortunate; however, that some people like to say mean and cruel things to me, not understanding what I am going through...but thank goodness others tell me they think I am brave and inspiring and they are amazed that I am handling things so well. And thank goodness the latter outweighs the former, by like 1000:1 but, still, that 1 can sting.

Saying that, I do realize we are human and one of the biggest characteristics of being human is being imperfect. I can accept that...that is why there are such things as saying you are sorry and forgiving other people. These are no small tasks. Some people would rather be right than swallow their pride and say sorry. Remember it is their loss. In the end, life is not about being right or wrong. There are no awards given for how many times you are right nor are there points taken away for how many times you are wrong. We will find ourselves in both camps through out our lives. Life is...I don't know, maybe about, hmmm...taking your life events and dealing with them, which is not always an easy thing to do. I have said this before and I will say it again, I can see why people fall into addictions or a deep depression after life changing events, especially those life changing events that we have absolutely NO control over....and when those ugly life changing events come in pairs, like, within 36 hours of each other. I have a soft place in my heart for those who suffer addictions and those who feel resigned to wander the earth and call a park bench their home.

One guarantee in life is that it will change; you will change, I will change. Life can change quite drastically...literally, in the blink of an eye a life can be changed forever. And only time will tell how drastically these ugly, albeit, life changing, events will change my life...both in small and in big ways.

Cheers,
Liz

Musings

I have had an interesting few days.

First, I learned that when you have fissures don't go bike riding until they are completely healed. Mine were somewhat gone, not completely, but, I was feeling much much better in that area. So, I went bike riding...a lot. Oh my! Now, the pain and bleeding is ba-ack. I am exhausted with these stupid things. I have met others with them; never knew how prominent these little rips and tears are. Eat your fibre and drink your water...do all that healthy, jazzy stuff to avoid fissures, that is my recommendation. Hahaha!

And...I have blogged before about my process of learning that I can't have expectations of others. On the flip side, I feel the need to mention that others should not have expectations of me, either. Nor should you compare me to others' experiences, no matter how similar you may think they are. I am doing the best I can. I do not intentionally hurt people in anyway. If someone is impatient with my grieving process or does not understand something I am going through, etc, that is unfortunate. I am just beginning the grieving process for my brother and the roller coaster journey is not going to be over anytime soon. So, there will be more crying, more confusion, more questions as to "why," more anger inside me, etc, etc. I don't go around sharing this with many people. If you have an issue with me that is that pressing, come to me. See me in person. Please do not give me more burdens and confusion because you feel the need to vent your feelings to me no matter how "harsh" you feel they are, or aren't, about how I am dealing with everything. I have enough crap to get through without that. I would recommend not making any comparisons nor burdening anyone with crap like that when they are down and out, it is too much. I will go out on a limb to say that most people in situations like mine are doing the best they can and are trying to appear as "normal" as they can...not even necessarily for you, but for them, because "normal" is something taken for granted and when you have lost what you thought was "normal," you just wish you could be "normal" again. We are not trying to bring others down nor hurt others.

And, to reiterate, my blog is for randomness. I don't record the many good intentions and deeds of others in my life here on my blog...and there are many. There are occasions when I do blog about it but I do not mean to centre anyone in or out. I do not keep tallies. I appreciate what EVERYONE does for me and my family during this time. I say thank you whenever I get the chance to the people in person. What more can I do at the moment? Neil and I have been blessed with the help of others --rides, food, company, donations, prayers, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, flowers, love, compassion, gift baskets, laughs, distraction...the list could go on. Know that Neil and I are VERY thankful for everything everyone has done for us and no deed goes unnoticed. We have appreciated ALL the help and are amazed by it. People we don't even know pray for us and have donated to us...it really shows us the human capacity for love and compassion. And I hope that when we are past this Neil and I are able to pay it forward to others in need as best as everyone has done for us.

And let me just add one more thing about timing...I am not trying to single anyone out nor ignore anyone but I just want to mention that I was struggling this past week, Jason's death is starting to sink in, and I was surprised with 3 bouquets of flowers! Wow! They really brightened my days and I am so thankful to Mark and Brian, Jocelyn (my wedding flowers!), and Gramma and her church...these flowers were so beautiful and smelled wonderful and came at a great time. I loved them. Thank you!

Lastly, I want to give a special shout out to all my "sisters"...you know who you are (Kim, this includes you!)...you are the ones who help me keep my sanity! Thank you for sharing, listening, giving, supporting, encouraging, rallying with me, and always being there...24/7. I hope that I give to each of you as much as you give to me.

Cheers,
Liz