Can a cancer diagnosis actually be a gift? Here are some thoughts on this topic from others (anonymous and all comments below are from people with cancer).
Do you think of having or having had cancer as a gift?
"I can kind of see it like that. I probably would have ended up a lot worse than I am now had I not had cancer...it helped build character..."
"I do!!! It has made me appreciate life more. I now find beauty in a rainy day as I like to say! It has even brought my mom and I closer and its brought me to church too. Get excited about all the small things that happen."
"Well meaning friends and family have said that to me, and I'm just not there. I don't know if I ever will be. It's hard to be positive about this experience. I'm kinda just going day by day. I have good ones and I have bad ones. Yesterday I went out with 2 friends and I just can't relate to them right now. Where they are, where I am...we just don't have anything in common right now. I don't appreciate this "character building" experience yet, I hope one day I do."
"I think having cancer really matured me. I've become so much stronger. The little things in life don't bother me as much...if I can get through having cancer, I can get through anything. Not saying that it can't be a real struggle thinking that way...sometimes I can't understand why I had to be diagnosed with such an awful disease."
"Having cancer has made me different, maybe better, certainly more aware of life. But I wouldn't call it a blessing...my body is scarred, I feel...wore out. I think about things differently. I would rather not think about the things I do now. It becomes too much sometimes. People around me are well meaning and they should live their lives but it does leave an ache in my heart sometimes to know I will never be the same."
"Knowing I'll never be the same is a hard thing for me to swallow. I've become more of a tense and anxious person from this experience. I know I'm a stronger, better person for having survived...but I just don't feel it yet in my heart. I hope I do soon."
"It made me appreciate my life, family and pets much more...and living my life for God now is much better than any type of life I had for myself pre-cancer. However...the pain and chemo...and causing other family members and friends to go through depression because of the illness really sucks... So I wouldn't really, therefore, call it a 'gift.' "
"Definitely not a gift. There were a few good things that came out of it...and although the direction my life is taking is different I wouldn't say it's necessarily any better or worse. Probably worse. I think I tend to be more negative and depressed...I've only just begun to not be completely bitter about the whole thing. Not to negate the people who really do see it as a gift...I just don't understand how...maybe I will someday, but I have managed to get myself to the point where I'm not blaming God anymore and that's enough for now."
"...there are good things that have come out of...having cancer...[but] with everything good that has come out of it, I still do not feel that it outweighs not having cancer in the first place. My body and mind have been thru...hell...I can't accept that there is a plan, a reason for this happening. It doesn't make sense to me. There are times of joy and times of sadness...it is hard and I could easily cry all of the time and withdraw from the world. I won't do that though. I do have the will to go on."
"...I would not agree [that it is a gift]. However, I try to look at it from the perspective of what did I do with it, you know. That is the only thing I have control over...if treatment ends up working or not working I have no control over but, what I do when things happen, I do. It is not entirely satisfying even then, though...gift, no....but, I try to find blessings each day...although it is REALLY hard sometimes...we are all in different parts of this journey and no matter where we are on it, it is OK. I find non-cancer people are pushy to have me be "this way" or think "that" or be "like this"...that pushiness is to make them feel better, not us, the ones who have the cancer. This disease can bring out the best or worst in people and in the process it reveals people's character as well..."
"Some people just don't get it. And that is what bugs me the most."
"...I used to think of it as a "gift" or as a sort of awakening but now I don't think that way...[a friend said] that it made me stronger. I don't know. I don't really think it ruined my life but it did damage me a bit. There are good things as well but I have to say that I would rather not of had cancer at all at this point. I guess you can see it anyway you want. If it makes you feel better to view it as a gift then go with it."
"I don't think this journey ever ends. First I was a cancer patient and I had to figure out how to be [one], now I'm trying to figure out how to be a cancer survivor in this world."
Cheers,
Liz
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
"Love means..."
"...never having to say you're sorry." Spoken by Ali MacGraw as Jennifer Cavalleri in "Love Story" (1970).
If you knew the tag line before you read it, congratulations! I had heard of this movie when in film class at university and bought it a few years ago but I have not watched it since I bought it. I am a bit of a movie buff and with less than stellar movies being made today I have been digging into the time vault to find some valuable, worthwhile movies.
This is a classic love story (hence the title, I guess). If you have seen it you know what I mean; if you haven't, it is definitely a "must see" movie! Like all love stories there is a twist in the plot that will play with your heart strings and you will shed some tears. Why I am mentioning it is because it got me thinking...LOL, you might be thinking "here we go again"...LOL. What got me thinking was the end (I may spoil the ending for those who have not seen it but the movie is still worth the watch). The male lead (Oliver) and his father decided that their differences were insurmountable and they ceased having a relationship. Yet, when Oliver's wife, Jenny, gets sick, who is the first person he goes to for help? His father...although his father is rich, that is irrelevant to my point. Oliver lies to his father as to why he needs the money but, eventually, the father figures it out and goes to where his son and daughter-in-law are. Here is the point, or actually, it is more of a question. Why does someone have to be on their death bed before people let their feelings of love for someone override their feelings of being angry or right or justified? Too much pride is detrimental.
I know this is just a movie but I have heard of this playing out in real life, too. I am not sure if this happens a lot in real life but even once is too much, in my opinion...a waste of valuable time, really...time to spend together in love rather than bitterness.
Cheers,
Liz
If you knew the tag line before you read it, congratulations! I had heard of this movie when in film class at university and bought it a few years ago but I have not watched it since I bought it. I am a bit of a movie buff and with less than stellar movies being made today I have been digging into the time vault to find some valuable, worthwhile movies.
This is a classic love story (hence the title, I guess). If you have seen it you know what I mean; if you haven't, it is definitely a "must see" movie! Like all love stories there is a twist in the plot that will play with your heart strings and you will shed some tears. Why I am mentioning it is because it got me thinking...LOL, you might be thinking "here we go again"...LOL. What got me thinking was the end (I may spoil the ending for those who have not seen it but the movie is still worth the watch). The male lead (Oliver) and his father decided that their differences were insurmountable and they ceased having a relationship. Yet, when Oliver's wife, Jenny, gets sick, who is the first person he goes to for help? His father...although his father is rich, that is irrelevant to my point. Oliver lies to his father as to why he needs the money but, eventually, the father figures it out and goes to where his son and daughter-in-law are. Here is the point, or actually, it is more of a question. Why does someone have to be on their death bed before people let their feelings of love for someone override their feelings of being angry or right or justified? Too much pride is detrimental.
I know this is just a movie but I have heard of this playing out in real life, too. I am not sure if this happens a lot in real life but even once is too much, in my opinion...a waste of valuable time, really...time to spend together in love rather than bitterness.
Cheers,
Liz
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Hours Shy Of Seven Weeks
Today it will have been 7 weeks since I finished treatment. My mind is getting better although it is still slow and foggy. The last 9 or so months have pretty much been a blur to me. Thinking tends to leave me blank in the mind! I used to be able to keep my "To Do" lists in my head but, not anymore...I have to write things out or I will more than likely forget them. I have begun to play these brain games and my current brain age has been calculated to be 50!! LOL, can you believe it?? Such is life after treatment, I suppose. Concentration and recall are difficult tasks. One telltale sign that treatment is over is the fact that I have little patches of hair growing on my head now...I even have to shave my legs again!! Also, I am getting better at thinking about life and understanding it again but, not necessarily in ways before or in the same light. I stumble along but have parents and friends who help me and listen as I ramble on trying to make sense of my life's events. I have been quite vulnerable but, I think I am slowly becoming more aware and cognisant. If you tell me the sky is falling, I may not believe you anymore! ;+)
I would love to go somewhere and meet other young adults with cancer, you know. Just to hash out some issues with people who fully understand (not discounting my new found friends who have experienced it and fully understand, too). I would hope to meet others in similar situations...newly separated, living in the unknown each day (not being able to ignore it, really), cannot procreate, the joys and pains of chemo brain (myth: when chemo is over, no more chemo brain), not feeling able to relate with people our age anymore...and stuff like that. And to have fun! Life has been crappy for so long. There have been little joys here and there...well, especially lately there are more and more that I am able to see...thank goodness...otherwise I was planning on running away to join the circus! ;+)
Some people remark that I am dealing with a lot, more than what some people would experience in their whole lifetime, let alone 8 months. This may be so totally true but I don't know any other way of life...this is what I have to deal with...you know? It is crazy for me to think there could be another way (although sometimes I wish so desperately it was true)...could I be pregnant and having babies and enjoying life without this train wreck I have been through???....could life actually be like that?? No. When things happen you can quit or run and hide from them or you can deal with them. I have always wanted to deal with life. I would be lying to say that I don't catch myself daydreaming about an alternate life that I will never have...because I have done it. However, I am really starting to get the hang of this "living day-to-day" thing and living out the phrase "Let go and let God." Otherwise, I think I would drive myself crazy. Life lessons in the past year have been hard to go through and they continue to be hard but I read the following somewhere and I think it aptly applies:
"Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason...God is more interested in your character than your comfort...God is more interested in making you holy than...making your life happy."
That is not to say that we cannot find happiness here but, rather, we are challenged by our problems and it is the problems where our true character comes out. When I refer to "problems" I do not mean the big ones that I have to deal with. Problems come in all shapes and sizes and intensities. It is not hard to be joyful and pleasant and optimistic when life is going well...what matters is what you do when life is not sailing along smoothly. I don't find this quote negative...more realistic. Our problems give us the opportunity to improve ourselves and prove ourselves...to God, I'd say. That is not to say that they are easy nor something that we particularly want to deal with...but, we cannot pick and choose what problems we encounter in life...they are what they are. One thing that I keep hearing over and over again is that this life is short and our next life is for eternity so, this earthly one is our dress rehearsal for the next, eternal, one.
As a child I would sometimes want to fast forward from point A to point B. Like when I hated my curfew I would want to fast forward 4 years to when I was 18 and what freedoms I would have "if only" I was 18. Or when I had a test to write...I would want to fast forward to being done the test. However, I realized early (I think I was 12 or 13) that if there was a "fast forward" button in life I would actually miss out on life itself. Life is the bad times, the good times, the scary times, the funny times, the trying times, the hard times, the prosperous times, the quiet times, the sick times, the sorrowful times, the mournful times, the stressful times, the joyful times, the messy times...that is life! Life is not about the "times" we find ourselves in but what we actually do when we are in those "times." It is in the journey from point A to point B that we grow...not departing or arriving but what we did on our way from point A to point B. The meat of life is in the middle...as I quote one of my favourite movies, Hope Floats:
My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says that...childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome...beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most..."
Cheers,
Liz
I would love to go somewhere and meet other young adults with cancer, you know. Just to hash out some issues with people who fully understand (not discounting my new found friends who have experienced it and fully understand, too). I would hope to meet others in similar situations...newly separated, living in the unknown each day (not being able to ignore it, really), cannot procreate, the joys and pains of chemo brain (myth: when chemo is over, no more chemo brain), not feeling able to relate with people our age anymore...and stuff like that. And to have fun! Life has been crappy for so long. There have been little joys here and there...well, especially lately there are more and more that I am able to see...thank goodness...otherwise I was planning on running away to join the circus! ;+)
Some people remark that I am dealing with a lot, more than what some people would experience in their whole lifetime, let alone 8 months. This may be so totally true but I don't know any other way of life...this is what I have to deal with...you know? It is crazy for me to think there could be another way (although sometimes I wish so desperately it was true)...could I be pregnant and having babies and enjoying life without this train wreck I have been through???....could life actually be like that?? No. When things happen you can quit or run and hide from them or you can deal with them. I have always wanted to deal with life. I would be lying to say that I don't catch myself daydreaming about an alternate life that I will never have...because I have done it. However, I am really starting to get the hang of this "living day-to-day" thing and living out the phrase "Let go and let God." Otherwise, I think I would drive myself crazy. Life lessons in the past year have been hard to go through and they continue to be hard but I read the following somewhere and I think it aptly applies:
"Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason...God is more interested in your character than your comfort...God is more interested in making you holy than...making your life happy."
That is not to say that we cannot find happiness here but, rather, we are challenged by our problems and it is the problems where our true character comes out. When I refer to "problems" I do not mean the big ones that I have to deal with. Problems come in all shapes and sizes and intensities. It is not hard to be joyful and pleasant and optimistic when life is going well...what matters is what you do when life is not sailing along smoothly. I don't find this quote negative...more realistic. Our problems give us the opportunity to improve ourselves and prove ourselves...to God, I'd say. That is not to say that they are easy nor something that we particularly want to deal with...but, we cannot pick and choose what problems we encounter in life...they are what they are. One thing that I keep hearing over and over again is that this life is short and our next life is for eternity so, this earthly one is our dress rehearsal for the next, eternal, one.
As a child I would sometimes want to fast forward from point A to point B. Like when I hated my curfew I would want to fast forward 4 years to when I was 18 and what freedoms I would have "if only" I was 18. Or when I had a test to write...I would want to fast forward to being done the test. However, I realized early (I think I was 12 or 13) that if there was a "fast forward" button in life I would actually miss out on life itself. Life is the bad times, the good times, the scary times, the funny times, the trying times, the hard times, the prosperous times, the quiet times, the sick times, the sorrowful times, the mournful times, the stressful times, the joyful times, the messy times...that is life! Life is not about the "times" we find ourselves in but what we actually do when we are in those "times." It is in the journey from point A to point B that we grow...not departing or arriving but what we did on our way from point A to point B. The meat of life is in the middle...as I quote one of my favourite movies, Hope Floats:
My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says that...childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome...beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most..."
Cheers,
Liz
Thursday, July 19, 2007
6 Weeks Strong!
Saw my amazing gyn/onc today and I am still dancing with NED!! I have been dancing for 6 weeks now. I am feeling better and stronger each day. My white blood cell count is still very low but, hopefully, as I get further away from my last chemo they will come back up again. Other than that, things look well.
Hugs,
Liz
ps - NED = no evidence of disease
Hugs,
Liz
ps - NED = no evidence of disease
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Talk
The following blog has been inspired by a talk my bestest girlfriend in the whole world, Kim, gave at her church. Below is my e-mail back to her...it contains a mixture of her thoughts and my thoughts together. Enjoy!
I thank you for sharing your talk with me. When I read the details of my own life in the talk you gave I have a hard time believing that they are my life's events. This is how I sum them up right now:
September 19, 2006 --> doctors (and myself and family and friends) were supremely shocked to find out that my health problems were because I had cancer (after I had been going to 5 doctors over a course of almost 3 years with problems and was assured 1.5 years before that it was NOT cancer)
November 6, 2006 --> had a total abdominal (radical) hysterectomy for uterine cancer (no chance to have my own children)
November 13, 2006 --> home from the hospital after the surgery
November 19, 2006 --> Jason, my brother, was killed in a car accident
November 21, 2006 --> pathology results reveal cancer is stage 4, grade 3; start chemo and radiation the very next week following Jason's funeral
June 8, 2007 --> after more than 8 months of aggressive treatment, I had my last chemo
June 11, 2007 --> husband left me
It still seems so surreal in many ways. I have not had time to let much of it sink in...I have just been reacting and dealing amidst trying to keep afloat in the sea of life as I recover from my cancer treatment. I have often wonder, especially since Neil left, what kind of person I am....what have I done to deserve the events that have befallen me. Reading your talk has given me insight into the situations of my life. You mentioned a quote,
“Trust in the Lord...just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."
Wow, that says a lot. Bad things happen to people and I do not know why. But, I think, I should not always think of my trials as punishment...rather, an opportunity for me to grow. God sees more in me and wants me to achieve His level of being fully human for me. And these experiences, particularly in the past 10 months, are to grow me into who God wants me to be…but, I think, the decision is mine as to whether I accept it or not...that is where my free agency (free will) comes in. If I were to continue to wallow in self-pity and the "why me's" of it all I will not grow. I do believe we have to go through those emotions, that is normal but, it becomes unhealthy when we get stuck and refuse to accept things as they happen to us...that only hinders the good that God wants to give me from my life's events. Learn from the past but do not get stuck there. I made up a saying when I was in university and it goes,
"Don't cry over the past; embrace the present; dream about the future."
The key for me is seeking forgiveness for past actions and learning from the past, living for today and embracing all that this day has to offer, while dreaming of the future…not just in the finite but to keep my eyes on the infinite. You also quoted,
“Our adversities can be the means of obtaining blessings unobtainable without them.”
This is what I mean by not getting stuck in the pit of dark emotions when our lives take a turn in a direction we did not want to go. If we stay there, we cannot see how God wants to bless us...we are stuck in our near-sighted view of life, missing the larger picture and purpose to our existence...to prepare ourselves for our eternal life.
WOW! Those 3 aforementioned quotes I cited from you are powerful. Adversity, pain, and suffering are a part of our human existence, there is no escaping it. By accepting it and facing them, even in the most darkest hours...it is here where lessons are learned, where out of the bad that we experience there comes a good...which is why I think they are the parts of the journey that become the places where God stretches us to grow. When things are going our way we tend to fall into the trap of maintaining the status quo and we ignore areas of life where we are called to grow and be. I look at the pains I am going through as almost growing pains, like when we were growing children. Although the inner, emotional pain is greater than the physical pain, we must keep in mind that there is a greater good to it all and it is only temporary, as you highlighted. The minute we think it is useless or we give up, we lose the lessons and blessings that God wants to share with us and we hide ourselves from the good God wants to make out of it. There is always a good to everything that happens, even when we cannot see it. We need to be open to this though. Release ourselves to God's plan. As my Dad always says, we cannot imagine a better life for ourselves than the one God has planned for us.
I loved your analogy of maintaining an eternal perspective too. You wrote:
"Jason and I were in Chicago a few weeks ago for our anniversary. We were walking on Michigan Avenue and it was really busy with all of the large buses, cars, and people. The buildings and malls on the Magnificent Mile were all so big compared to the malls we have out in the suburbs. Then we walked down Lake Shore Drive and along the Oak Street Beach. From the beach Lake Michigan looks like an ocean because it just stretches into the horizon with no end. Later that evening we went to the Signature Room. It is the restaurant on the 95th floor of the John Hancock Building. There are windows on all the outer walls of the restaurant so that you can look out over the city and the lake. From that height everything looked so small. The buses and cars looked like little toys and you could barely make out the people. The buildings that seemed so big earlier did not seem so tall anymore. When I looked out over Lake Michigan it still looked big but I could see the Michigan and Indiana coasts, so even the lake had a more finite end. Obviously, the pedestrians, the cars, the buses, the buildings and Lake Michigan did not change size but, as we went to the top of one of the largest buildings in the city, our perspective changed."
Wow, God has blessed you with a real understanding. Many people spend their whole lives dwelling on their life's events, remaining stagnate, and not growing...I imagine some people do not even deal with their life's events but, rather, sweep them "under the rug" in an attempt to ignore them and move on. Neither is healthy nor, I believe, what God wants us to do with them. We need to see life from above the "street level." When we view life from the top down, a whole different perspective comes into view and a feeling that we are so small, not in a bad way, can overcome us. Life is more than our trials and tribulations...as you said, it is all finite and for our eternal progression. We must accept them to grow. You quoted,
“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable."
The only thing I believe missing from this list is forgiveness. Maybe it was implied when she said the word "love" though. Forgiveness is such an important tool. Forgiveness and love...cannot live without them. It is interesting that she also mentioned remaining "vulnerable." This is something that most humans try to avoid, I think, because being vulnerable opens us up to being hurt and we, as humans, tend to try to protect ourselves from being hurt. Some of the definitions of "vulnerable" are:
"Capable of being wounded or hurt...[s]usceptible to physical or emotional injury...liable to be hurt or damaged...capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt. From the Latin vulnerare 'to wound'."
What is echoed over and over again is the idea that we allow ourselves to be open and, hence, susceptible to being hurt. What, I think, scares us the most is the emotional hurt. I can deal with my physical pain but, the emotional pain...I would love to hide from it and not deal with it but, alas, the Lord calls me to deal with it and work through it. It would be so easy for me to close up and be angry at the world and live a miserable existence. If I do that, than the cancer has won and Jason's death would have been in vain. However, I can't do it alone, but, as you stated, we do not go it alone, the Lord is always there. Not dealing with it would bring problems in the future...like a ripple effect. It is tough to accept this, especially when things are not going our way or things are not happening in the time frame that we want them to. That is why, as you highlighted, Scripture reading and prayer is very important. Left to ourselves and our humanly ways of doings things and understanding things we cannot ever understand nor do what only God can. As you quoted,
“To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality."
We need to be like children and the analogy you wrote about your own daughter illustrates this well:
"When I read the above statement...I couldn't help but think of our infant daughter. For her the world is still a new place. When we go on walks around our neighborhood she is always sitting up in her stroller leaning forward so she can take in everything around her. When we pass a tree that is within reach she will grab for it (and of course try to eat it). She is oblivious to everything else. She has no idea of the process it took to grow the tree or how to take care of a tree because her perception is very limited. I also at times think about the countless things she will be learning in the upcoming years and throughout her life. I feel ‘all knowing’ compared to her and I feel a deep responsibility to help her learn and grow so she can be a happy, healthy, and productive young woman. As I reflected on these experiences, I think I understood a little more about the above statement. I, too, am like an infant, and the mortal experience of which I am going through is a new and brief one in the eternal realm of things. My perspective and insight on life is so limited. I know my Father in Heaven, who is all knowing, must look at me at times and think “child, you are so clueless" (but in a nicer way). He would no doubt be concerned and give me His advice, like most parents to their own children...I’m sure as the Father of mankind, the Heavenly Father has our best interest at hand since He has an eternal perspective. We must learn to trust in Him and accept His plan for each of us."
You said that in a way that brings total understanding to this point and I am sure many people listening to your talk would understand this analogy. It really brings understanding to the idea that we are to be like children unto God. We are called to be like children but, far too often, we get caught up in our own emotions and act in understanding to our life's events with only our emotions, forgetting the bigger picture.
I am quite proud of your talk and your understanding of life. I truly feel blessed to have you as a life long friend. I am sure the more I read your talk and think about it, the more "things" I will see and understand better...not about God's ways (which we will never understand) but, about how to handle myself in life and to open myself up.
It is not easy...not easy at all! It is hard and painful but, the end result is, I believe, going to be worth all the effort.
Hugs and Love,
Liz
ps - this is Kim and I at her wedding reception June 2005.
I thank you for sharing your talk with me. When I read the details of my own life in the talk you gave I have a hard time believing that they are my life's events. This is how I sum them up right now:
September 19, 2006 --> doctors (and myself and family and friends) were supremely shocked to find out that my health problems were because I had cancer (after I had been going to 5 doctors over a course of almost 3 years with problems and was assured 1.5 years before that it was NOT cancer)
November 6, 2006 --> had a total abdominal (radical) hysterectomy for uterine cancer (no chance to have my own children)
November 13, 2006 --> home from the hospital after the surgery
November 19, 2006 --> Jason, my brother, was killed in a car accident
November 21, 2006 --> pathology results reveal cancer is stage 4, grade 3; start chemo and radiation the very next week following Jason's funeral
June 8, 2007 --> after more than 8 months of aggressive treatment, I had my last chemo
June 11, 2007 --> husband left me
It still seems so surreal in many ways. I have not had time to let much of it sink in...I have just been reacting and dealing amidst trying to keep afloat in the sea of life as I recover from my cancer treatment. I have often wonder, especially since Neil left, what kind of person I am....what have I done to deserve the events that have befallen me. Reading your talk has given me insight into the situations of my life. You mentioned a quote,
“Trust in the Lord...just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."
Wow, that says a lot. Bad things happen to people and I do not know why. But, I think, I should not always think of my trials as punishment...rather, an opportunity for me to grow. God sees more in me and wants me to achieve His level of being fully human for me. And these experiences, particularly in the past 10 months, are to grow me into who God wants me to be…but, I think, the decision is mine as to whether I accept it or not...that is where my free agency (free will) comes in. If I were to continue to wallow in self-pity and the "why me's" of it all I will not grow. I do believe we have to go through those emotions, that is normal but, it becomes unhealthy when we get stuck and refuse to accept things as they happen to us...that only hinders the good that God wants to give me from my life's events. Learn from the past but do not get stuck there. I made up a saying when I was in university and it goes,
"Don't cry over the past; embrace the present; dream about the future."
The key for me is seeking forgiveness for past actions and learning from the past, living for today and embracing all that this day has to offer, while dreaming of the future…not just in the finite but to keep my eyes on the infinite. You also quoted,
“Our adversities can be the means of obtaining blessings unobtainable without them.”
This is what I mean by not getting stuck in the pit of dark emotions when our lives take a turn in a direction we did not want to go. If we stay there, we cannot see how God wants to bless us...we are stuck in our near-sighted view of life, missing the larger picture and purpose to our existence...to prepare ourselves for our eternal life.
WOW! Those 3 aforementioned quotes I cited from you are powerful. Adversity, pain, and suffering are a part of our human existence, there is no escaping it. By accepting it and facing them, even in the most darkest hours...it is here where lessons are learned, where out of the bad that we experience there comes a good...which is why I think they are the parts of the journey that become the places where God stretches us to grow. When things are going our way we tend to fall into the trap of maintaining the status quo and we ignore areas of life where we are called to grow and be. I look at the pains I am going through as almost growing pains, like when we were growing children. Although the inner, emotional pain is greater than the physical pain, we must keep in mind that there is a greater good to it all and it is only temporary, as you highlighted. The minute we think it is useless or we give up, we lose the lessons and blessings that God wants to share with us and we hide ourselves from the good God wants to make out of it. There is always a good to everything that happens, even when we cannot see it. We need to be open to this though. Release ourselves to God's plan. As my Dad always says, we cannot imagine a better life for ourselves than the one God has planned for us.
I loved your analogy of maintaining an eternal perspective too. You wrote:
"Jason and I were in Chicago a few weeks ago for our anniversary. We were walking on Michigan Avenue and it was really busy with all of the large buses, cars, and people. The buildings and malls on the Magnificent Mile were all so big compared to the malls we have out in the suburbs. Then we walked down Lake Shore Drive and along the Oak Street Beach. From the beach Lake Michigan looks like an ocean because it just stretches into the horizon with no end. Later that evening we went to the Signature Room. It is the restaurant on the 95th floor of the John Hancock Building. There are windows on all the outer walls of the restaurant so that you can look out over the city and the lake. From that height everything looked so small. The buses and cars looked like little toys and you could barely make out the people. The buildings that seemed so big earlier did not seem so tall anymore. When I looked out over Lake Michigan it still looked big but I could see the Michigan and Indiana coasts, so even the lake had a more finite end. Obviously, the pedestrians, the cars, the buses, the buildings and Lake Michigan did not change size but, as we went to the top of one of the largest buildings in the city, our perspective changed."
Wow, God has blessed you with a real understanding. Many people spend their whole lives dwelling on their life's events, remaining stagnate, and not growing...I imagine some people do not even deal with their life's events but, rather, sweep them "under the rug" in an attempt to ignore them and move on. Neither is healthy nor, I believe, what God wants us to do with them. We need to see life from above the "street level." When we view life from the top down, a whole different perspective comes into view and a feeling that we are so small, not in a bad way, can overcome us. Life is more than our trials and tribulations...as you said, it is all finite and for our eternal progression. We must accept them to grow. You quoted,
“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable."
The only thing I believe missing from this list is forgiveness. Maybe it was implied when she said the word "love" though. Forgiveness is such an important tool. Forgiveness and love...cannot live without them. It is interesting that she also mentioned remaining "vulnerable." This is something that most humans try to avoid, I think, because being vulnerable opens us up to being hurt and we, as humans, tend to try to protect ourselves from being hurt. Some of the definitions of "vulnerable" are:
"Capable of being wounded or hurt...[s]usceptible to physical or emotional injury...liable to be hurt or damaged...capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt. From the Latin vulnerare 'to wound'."
What is echoed over and over again is the idea that we allow ourselves to be open and, hence, susceptible to being hurt. What, I think, scares us the most is the emotional hurt. I can deal with my physical pain but, the emotional pain...I would love to hide from it and not deal with it but, alas, the Lord calls me to deal with it and work through it. It would be so easy for me to close up and be angry at the world and live a miserable existence. If I do that, than the cancer has won and Jason's death would have been in vain. However, I can't do it alone, but, as you stated, we do not go it alone, the Lord is always there. Not dealing with it would bring problems in the future...like a ripple effect. It is tough to accept this, especially when things are not going our way or things are not happening in the time frame that we want them to. That is why, as you highlighted, Scripture reading and prayer is very important. Left to ourselves and our humanly ways of doings things and understanding things we cannot ever understand nor do what only God can. As you quoted,
“To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality."
We need to be like children and the analogy you wrote about your own daughter illustrates this well:
"When I read the above statement...I couldn't help but think of our infant daughter. For her the world is still a new place. When we go on walks around our neighborhood she is always sitting up in her stroller leaning forward so she can take in everything around her. When we pass a tree that is within reach she will grab for it (and of course try to eat it). She is oblivious to everything else. She has no idea of the process it took to grow the tree or how to take care of a tree because her perception is very limited. I also at times think about the countless things she will be learning in the upcoming years and throughout her life. I feel ‘all knowing’ compared to her and I feel a deep responsibility to help her learn and grow so she can be a happy, healthy, and productive young woman. As I reflected on these experiences, I think I understood a little more about the above statement. I, too, am like an infant, and the mortal experience of which I am going through is a new and brief one in the eternal realm of things. My perspective and insight on life is so limited. I know my Father in Heaven, who is all knowing, must look at me at times and think “child, you are so clueless" (but in a nicer way). He would no doubt be concerned and give me His advice, like most parents to their own children...I’m sure as the Father of mankind, the Heavenly Father has our best interest at hand since He has an eternal perspective. We must learn to trust in Him and accept His plan for each of us."
You said that in a way that brings total understanding to this point and I am sure many people listening to your talk would understand this analogy. It really brings understanding to the idea that we are to be like children unto God. We are called to be like children but, far too often, we get caught up in our own emotions and act in understanding to our life's events with only our emotions, forgetting the bigger picture.
I am quite proud of your talk and your understanding of life. I truly feel blessed to have you as a life long friend. I am sure the more I read your talk and think about it, the more "things" I will see and understand better...not about God's ways (which we will never understand) but, about how to handle myself in life and to open myself up.
It is not easy...not easy at all! It is hard and painful but, the end result is, I believe, going to be worth all the effort.
Hugs and Love,
Liz
ps - this is Kim and I at her wedding reception June 2005.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Quite Interesting
The graduation to "post treatment" is working out to be nice. In a way, it is like I am almost back to "normal." Almost but, not quite. My brain is still mushy, my physical endurance is pathetic, my hair has yet to begin any real growth...and just when I think I am "normal" I realize that I am not nor can be. The way I answer questions is different than before; the way I see life is different than before; the way I think is different than before; what is important is different than before; so much is different than before and not in an entirely bad way...quite interesting. Tonight I was asked if I would be willing to move to a different city to get a teaching job and what my future plans were. Before, I would have had some answer like, "Maybe London...move half way between here and there because my hubby works here. And I am hoping we can do some travelling in the near future...to some exotic place." But now, hahahaha! I drew a total and complete blank. I have no idea. And, to be honest with the asker, I simply stated that I am taking everything one day at a time and not putting much time into worrying about that stuff. Subsequently, the topic of conversation was changed. Quite interesting.
There are millions of people paying thousands and thousands of dollars for extreme make-overs to make make themselves "happy" and I got one without even wanting one. Happiness...hmmm. In my opinion happiness is really a choice...no one can make another happy nor can someone expect another person to make them happy. I think that is a lost idea in our society. So many people are looking for happiness in material things, work, physical appearance, other people...I think the reason why the advertising industry does so well (and why I rejected the chance to work in it) is because "it" attempts to sell an image, a lifestyle, that appears carefree and fun and more fulfilling than our wildest dreams, if we only have the product being promoted...and we appear to be buying into it...but more and more people are becoming depressed or detached...we are told every day to turn to material things to bring us to happiness...people are looking anywhere but within themselves...missing something bigger than themselves. Quite interesting.
I really appreciate my gyn/onc, he is a really great doc. He is concerned with the whole patient, not just the cancer. Yup, everything about the patient and how their life is affected by cancer are things that he wants to know about and help out with. Quite refreshing after 2.5 years of losing trust and faith in doctors pre-diagnosis. He has put me in touch with some people who have really helped me out and, as an added benefit, I have received some lessons in human behaviour and circumstance. It has opened my eyes and connected a lot of dots for me. The hard part, though, is seeing the "puzzle" for what it is but not being able to help solve it. That is hard and frustrating...because there is a solution. It will be eye opening and hard but that is what the good stuff in life is all about...if life were easy how would we build character or integrity, or become compassionate or empathetic, or believe in miracles and God, or learn to trust what we cannot see, or understand what unconditional love is, or realize who we are as a person? It is hard stuff...being the hard worker I am, I love the lessons and challenges (although sometimes I have to be dragged to them kicking and screaming! Fear is such a paralyzer). Quite interesting.
Cheers,
Liz
There are millions of people paying thousands and thousands of dollars for extreme make-overs to make make themselves "happy" and I got one without even wanting one. Happiness...hmmm. In my opinion happiness is really a choice...no one can make another happy nor can someone expect another person to make them happy. I think that is a lost idea in our society. So many people are looking for happiness in material things, work, physical appearance, other people...I think the reason why the advertising industry does so well (and why I rejected the chance to work in it) is because "it" attempts to sell an image, a lifestyle, that appears carefree and fun and more fulfilling than our wildest dreams, if we only have the product being promoted...and we appear to be buying into it...but more and more people are becoming depressed or detached...we are told every day to turn to material things to bring us to happiness...people are looking anywhere but within themselves...missing something bigger than themselves. Quite interesting.
I really appreciate my gyn/onc, he is a really great doc. He is concerned with the whole patient, not just the cancer. Yup, everything about the patient and how their life is affected by cancer are things that he wants to know about and help out with. Quite refreshing after 2.5 years of losing trust and faith in doctors pre-diagnosis. He has put me in touch with some people who have really helped me out and, as an added benefit, I have received some lessons in human behaviour and circumstance. It has opened my eyes and connected a lot of dots for me. The hard part, though, is seeing the "puzzle" for what it is but not being able to help solve it. That is hard and frustrating...because there is a solution. It will be eye opening and hard but that is what the good stuff in life is all about...if life were easy how would we build character or integrity, or become compassionate or empathetic, or believe in miracles and God, or learn to trust what we cannot see, or understand what unconditional love is, or realize who we are as a person? It is hard stuff...being the hard worker I am, I love the lessons and challenges (although sometimes I have to be dragged to them kicking and screaming! Fear is such a paralyzer). Quite interesting.
Cheers,
Liz
Friday, July 6, 2007
Yesterday...
Yesterday in the doctor's office is when it really hit me that I may not live out my dreams. I started a book called "My To Do List" when I finished my first year of university. It contains things I would like to do before I die and many quotes that I have come across on my journeys. I have completed some of the things I have listed and I have added new ones as I go along. I always thought I would have a lifetime to complete them. But now, I am not even sure I will be able to get half of them done...and some of them I can stroke out without a captioning of when and how I completed it. I see so many people around me living the "dream" that seems to be just outside of my reach and I wish so badly that I could be living it. When I arrived home yesterday I came up to my bedroom and I lay on the floor and I cried loud and hard. I was repeating over and over again that I do not want to die. How can life be so cruel?
I think my gyn/onc has a knowledge and wisdom usually reserved for cancer patients. Like myself, my gyn/onc does not like the word "recurrence" because it is very misleading. It implies that the cancer was gone but, has returned. For my situation, if new growths occur then the cancer was never eradicated from my body to begin with. No one can say that I am cured. We do not know. It is very misleading to say that.
We discussed the merits of using various tests during my check up visits. In my situation, we are agreed that the tests can cause too rash of a decision to go back on chemo if a new growth appears. Rather, given the stage 4 grade 3 diagnosis, we will go by what I feel and if there are changes anywhere and then decide the proper course of action to take. The cancer can be resistant to the chemo or grow a resistance to the chemo. My impression is that if the chemo is started when a test indicates a growth but it is not affecting me, then it may be too premature to begin chemo. In my gyn/onc's experience with woman in my situation, the question that tends to be asked is not if more chemo will be needed but, when will more chemo be needed. More chemo = maintenance chemo. Maintenance chemo = no cure...I am sure you get it without me spelling it out.
Hearing that makes me angry at the doctor who told me 1.5 years BEFORE I was actually diagnosed that it was not cancer. What if this doctor had biopsied it instead of assuming...maybe it would not have gotten this far...no need to tell me that those thoughts are useless, I know but, I still shake my head. I hope that this practice stops...doctors need to rule out cancer first in all situations, in my opinion. I know too many of us young people who have been "too young" and "too healthy" to have anything wrong...yea, right...and now the majority of us who were "too young" and "too healthy" are stage 3 or stage 4. Thanks a bunch.
I had dreams of a family and teaching and growing old and coaching and watching my children grow and traveling and having a home with a fireplace and having get-togethers at my home and having my children play with Kim's children...and I have to change them! What? Why might I not be allowed to live out my dreams? Not even dreams, I just thought that was the cycle of life. But now, to me, they are all dreams. Dreams that are far away and seem just beyond my grasp.
I still hope though. I think you have to. A life without hope, I think, would be pretty grim. My biggest hope right now is that God has chosen me to receive a miracle. That would be awesome. But, then again, maybe I have or will receive a miracle...although it may not be exactly what I was looking for.
People do beat the odds and there is no doubt I hope I am one of them.
Cheers,
Liz
I think my gyn/onc has a knowledge and wisdom usually reserved for cancer patients. Like myself, my gyn/onc does not like the word "recurrence" because it is very misleading. It implies that the cancer was gone but, has returned. For my situation, if new growths occur then the cancer was never eradicated from my body to begin with. No one can say that I am cured. We do not know. It is very misleading to say that.
We discussed the merits of using various tests during my check up visits. In my situation, we are agreed that the tests can cause too rash of a decision to go back on chemo if a new growth appears. Rather, given the stage 4 grade 3 diagnosis, we will go by what I feel and if there are changes anywhere and then decide the proper course of action to take. The cancer can be resistant to the chemo or grow a resistance to the chemo. My impression is that if the chemo is started when a test indicates a growth but it is not affecting me, then it may be too premature to begin chemo. In my gyn/onc's experience with woman in my situation, the question that tends to be asked is not if more chemo will be needed but, when will more chemo be needed. More chemo = maintenance chemo. Maintenance chemo = no cure...I am sure you get it without me spelling it out.
Hearing that makes me angry at the doctor who told me 1.5 years BEFORE I was actually diagnosed that it was not cancer. What if this doctor had biopsied it instead of assuming...maybe it would not have gotten this far...no need to tell me that those thoughts are useless, I know but, I still shake my head. I hope that this practice stops...doctors need to rule out cancer first in all situations, in my opinion. I know too many of us young people who have been "too young" and "too healthy" to have anything wrong...yea, right...and now the majority of us who were "too young" and "too healthy" are stage 3 or stage 4. Thanks a bunch.
I had dreams of a family and teaching and growing old and coaching and watching my children grow and traveling and having a home with a fireplace and having get-togethers at my home and having my children play with Kim's children...and I have to change them! What? Why might I not be allowed to live out my dreams? Not even dreams, I just thought that was the cycle of life. But now, to me, they are all dreams. Dreams that are far away and seem just beyond my grasp.
I still hope though. I think you have to. A life without hope, I think, would be pretty grim. My biggest hope right now is that God has chosen me to receive a miracle. That would be awesome. But, then again, maybe I have or will receive a miracle...although it may not be exactly what I was looking for.
People do beat the odds and there is no doubt I hope I am one of them.
Cheers,
Liz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
