Today is the anniversary of my first surgery in regards to this...the surgery I was having to remove the fibroid that was preventing me from becoming pregnant
(not that we had officially tried yet, it was just that after the fibroid was discovered, I was told I did not have many child bearing years ahead of me because of it so it would be wise to get cracking on having some babies). Anywho, back to surgery day last year...almost 3 years and 5 doctors to reach that action...it took a long time to get to that moment. Never did I think that the long time it took to get to that moment was only the beginning for me.
I remember the first, and almost last, appointment with the doctor who was doing my first surgery. I thought,
I have finally got a doctor in London to figure out what to do about all the problems I have been having...YEA! I was excited and felt that I was finally getting somewhere. We were called to go to the patient room and in walked the new doctor for me. She asked why I was there and I explained...very intimidated so I am sure my explanation was less than thorough. I mean, I had already been to so many doctors and the last one treated me like I was wasting her time so I was quite nervous I would get that treatment again....like somehow I was ridiculous for insisting on doctors appointments for absolutely nothing...like I was imagining it all or something. Well, after my brief chatter she began a 20 minute info session on how I can get pregnant with fibroids...that it had shrunk from the like 5.5 centimeters it was with the other doctor to about 4.5 or something and that another one that was growing had also shrunk...that, in general, they had all appeared to have shrunk with the pills the previous doctor had given me, so that was a good thing, I guess. I could not even tell you much of what she said because I felt like I had run into a brick wall...I was thinking, "
You got to be kidding me. Why does no one listen to me? What am I going to do? I can't keep living like this. Can they expect me to keep going like this?" I was ready to cry and I had to control my tears as she talked. Looking back, because things gradually got worse, I kind of got used to each deterioration of my health, you know, so that each time something else got worse or another problem/pain started, I was already used to the other deteriorations so it did not seem like much each time...and all the doctors had told me nothing was wrong, I guess that probably contributed to my apathy...however, looking back, I can see how terrible I was actually doing and how my idea of feeling healthy was very DISTORTED. Anywho, back to the doctor's appointment...when the doctor was talking to me I distinctly remember her saying something along the lines of, "So, try to get pregnant for about a year and if you are still unsuccessful at that point, come back to see me." Grrrrrrr...I was ready to give up...I felt utterly hopeless. I could NOT imagine another year of living the way I had...I was distraught and frustrated and so disappointed.
By a stroke of pure luck (or God, I guess you could say) she flipped open the medical files to my ultra sound from the previous doctor just as I was opening the door to leave the patient room...it was like slow motion for me, I can still see it in my mind...she said that she did not like the ultra sound sent from the previous doctor and she wanted to do one herself before I left. OK. So, I emptied my bladder and proceeded to the ultra sound room were I was introduced to the magic wand...LOL. Anywho, as soon as she saw the fibroid on the screen...I saw it in her face...she was like, "Oh no. Don't get pregnant yet. We have to take this fibroid out." Interesting. From what I understand, the fibroid she was referring to was on the right side of my uterus appearing to be blocking or quite close to the fallopian tube. But, I am not a medical professional so don't take my word on it. I was just excited to be getting this thing taken out of me. I knew there were risks involved with having a baby after this type of surgery but I trusted that it was important to have this thing taken out of me to even attempt to get pregnant.
Come surgery day, one year ago today. Everything went fine. I was in the recovery room when she came in to see me. She was a little stiff, her face was a bit tense and she said, "We got most of the fibroid out and it looked a little funny. Nothing to worry about, we sent it off to pathology and I asked for a rush on it..." And then there was the usual talk about what to do if I got an infection, etc. I thought she seemed a bit off but I did not worry about it because my impression was that she was fairly fresh out of medical school and I did not know her well. I was more preoccupied with seeing if my bleeding was going to stop...a few years of bleeding everyday gets to be quite a cross to bear, especially with my lack of haemoglobin because of it. I was hard on myself about this too...I stopped working out regularly because I felt tired, I slept and napped a lot, I was always looking forward to resting, I did not cook much nor clean much, I was short on patience, I could feel fine one minute and the next minute I would need to crash...I felt like I was being lazy and I would chastise myself about it in my head. And I will admit that planning each day, vacations, outings with family, trips, going to work, coaching obligations, etc, always stressed me out because of the bleeding issues and everything attached to that...I remember trying to study for school and I found it impossible to keep my eyes open and I was so mad at myself at times because I could not figure out why...the bleeding dominated my life
(physically and mentally) and I hated it. I was never comfortable, I was always on edge and afraid that I would leak or something...I won't get into detail but it was really bad.
Looking back I am not sure what to be more thankful for: that the doctor just happened to look at my ultra sound as I was leaving, that the original ultra sound was not clear enough, that the "fibroid" was growing where it was, or that the doctor listened to something inside of her to take it out. I mean, by this point, I am feeling really lucky. Imagine she had not looked at the ultra sound or that the ultra sound was as clear as she wanted it to be...I would have went home and tried to live with it some more...I shudder to think what more months would have meant to my life, you know...the cancer cells had already left the uterus and where found in my abdominal flush and on my rectum by November. Yikes!
I got a call about a week and half after the first surgery that the doctor wanted to see me and if I could be there in an hour! Wow! Considering it was an hour drive to get there and basketball season was just starting up, I said I could not be there that day. It turns out that I would not be able to make it to her office for exactly a week. Let me preface this with the fact that I did get an infection and had to go to the hospital and she had said that if I got an infection she would want to see me...so I assumed that was why her nurse had called.
I loved September...the feeling of fall, football season, gorgeous weather. There is just something about September...getting back to a routine, maybe, the freshness of the impending fall air, the change of clothes, the return to school, basketball, hockey, homecoming, teaching...not this year though. I still need new clothes because of all the weight I lost, my other ones don't fit but that thrill and excitement is nonexistent. My hopes and dreams from a year ago are forever gone. I could never imagine a year ago today that my brother would be dead, that I would be battling cancer, and that I would be on my own again. I think those are the 3 top stresses that can befall us and I happen to get them in a 3-for-1 deal. Nobody deserves this.
Somehow, though, I will be able to see and feel the beauty of September again and I can't wait. I don't know when or how I will get there and I wish the journey there would be easy because I could use a break but, I really don't think it will go like that. I still have my good and bad days...Kim and my parents can testify to that. But in the end I think we all have our "tests" in life and, thankfully, I have some people I can count on to be with me and love me unconditionally throughout these times...that is very important. I am in the process of learning to accept the life changes that have resulted from my cancer and Jason's death. I think one of the hardest things alongside learning to live with what has happened is recreating, redefining, and redirecting my life and my dreams.
I think it is "normal," in a way, you know, to go through tests in life that are VERY difficult but, the 3-for-1 deal I got, it is extreme.
Cheers,
Liz
