Vulnerable

I have hit that stage in my journey where I do not want to read anything more about my cancer. I can talk about it if people have questions but I don't seek out info anymore.

There is a delicate balance post-treatment that I am trying to figure out. On the one hand I am moving forward with life...or at least trying to figure out how to do that, really......all the while trying to balance the C card being in my corner.

I have got that day-to-day living thing down. I love living life this way, really. The only moment any of us have is the one right now. I take in everything during the moment and I give all I can to that moment. That is life at its best and I am lucky enough to be able to live that way. I look for the beauty in each moment, in the people I meet, in the situations I find myself. I love laughing too...I look for the humour in everyday life.

Everyone has a piece of beauty to offer the world...their own unique contribution that no one else can give. I have the time to seek it out in others...to look at them in a way that is different from before. I also have time to figure out what it is in me that makes me unique and what my gift is. These 2 things have always puzzled me.

I have learned that eyes are a window to a person's heart. Eyes reveal a vulnerability that we try to hide. I make a point to try and always look people in the eye now...it is crazy and a bit uncomfortable at times because our eyes can hide nothing. Looking into another's eyes really connects you to the other person.

Going through treatment I wore my vulnerability on my sleeve. Now, finding myself done treatment, I feel the pressures and expectations from others again, which close me up...I have lost some of my ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is nothing to be feared or looked down upon...it opens us up to each other...with this comes the possibility of being hurt, of being embarrassed or of feeling stupid...but it also opens us up to the possibility of LOVE and connection. I think it is worth the risk!



Hugs,
Liz

One Year Gone

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Little I knew that morning God was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you;

you did not go alone, for part of me went with you,

the day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide,

and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,

but as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again.

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Hugs,

Liz

On The Horizon

Time. Wish I could bottle it up or stop it for a little bit or live in a timeless world.

Jason's one year "anniversary" of his death is on the horizon. I visit his grave several times a week still. To me, with all I have been through during the past year, it feels like he has been gone so much longer. It sucks. I sometimes have trouble remembering things, you know.

I don't know what to say anymore.

Jason was funny. A lot of my friends thought he was good looking but he never thought he was that good looking of a guy. LOL, girls always stared at him though. Bless his heart, he was a little absent-minded!

He loved putting me and his cousins into headlocks.

He would return your phone call usually quite a number of days after you called...or he would just show up at your doorstep.

He really enjoyed working out. When I first started working out in uni he was the one who took me and taught me a bunch of routines and gave me info about what to do.

He loved riding rollercoasters!

He always made trips to visit me when I was in uni.

He loved his Birkenstock sandals...when I was living in London and he came to visit me we searched for quite a number of hours for the perfect Birkenstock sandal!

He rarely wore a winter jacket...much to my parents chagrin. LOL

He comforted me during thunderstorms when we were little kids.

We fought over the channel changer a lot as teenagers! LOL

He loved his cousins very much.

We called each other "nerd" and "geek" a lot. :+)

He was a kind and generous person.

He hated school...but he went back to school the September before he died.

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I am guessing that this void I feel...this empty space inside that appeared the second I found out Jason was dead will always be there...there is no filling it here...it is uncomfortable...like something is out of place and out of order...it is so uncomfortable learning to live with this feeling.

People ask how I live and go forward with Jason's death, the cancer, and my ex leaving me...really, I have no answer. I don't know...you just do. When faced with all of these events in less than a year...hmm...there are two basic choices really....lay down and die OR live and learn and grow.

I chose to live and learn and grow.

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have,
and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown,
believe that one of two things will happen to you:
either there will be something solid for you to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly."

Hugs,

Liz

Got Some Blood in These Veins

I have been having a lot of people approach me lately remarking on my tan...how nice I look with a tan...and I love it! I also find it kind of funny because I don't have a tan nor have I been tanning at all. I actually have blood in my veins. For so many years I did not have enough blood flowing through my veins because of the cancer...and I looked VERY pale. Paler than Nicole Kidman, if you can believe it. And now...5 months out of treatment...my red blood cells are thriving finally! I like this type of tan! ;+)

Picture of me in my cowboy hat I got at Rafters Six Ranch in Alberta! Loved it!

Hugs,
Liz

Theme Song

I wish life could be like in the movies with a theme song playing in the background of my life. I sometimes find so much energy and passion in a song with how it relates to my feelings. Some songs bring me to tears each time I hear them. Some songs revive the joy of living in me when I am down. Some songs I just love dancing to and singing along with to let out my pent up energy. Some songs soothe me. Some songs bring a flood of memories to me...

To share my life's theme song I have added a video application over there in my left margin (<--) and will include videos playing my life's current theme song. I will try to make sure that there is a video with the words to the music each time so you can read them as the song plays...I am sure it will help you understand more and maybe it may even mean something to you, too. The first one is Carrie Underwood's song entitled, "Wasted."

Hugs,

Liz

Long Time Gone

I have been out of town living up life these past few weeks! I needed to get outta here for a bit. It was awesome! First, I went to Chicago to visit Kim and her family. It was a lot of fun and I got to enjoy her world famous banana muffins! Then, we drove back to Sarnia together for me to switch suitcases...and then we jetted off to Calgary for RealTime Cancer's Young Adults with Cancer Conference..."Survivor Conference 2007!" It was awesome. I got to see some of my amazing friends from the retreat I went to in August and I got to meet some more amazing people too. It was awesome. Here is the group shot:

The views from the window in my room and all around the ranch were amazing:

I love getting together with everyone but it is also emotionally tiring...but I would never stop going...it is a good one. We talk about our issues and bond and have fun...and all with people who get it! No explanations needed...they just know it too! That is amazing. One thing that makes it hard is the fact that we are amazing people and we do our best and we bond so well and we want to get together and see each other every year yet....we know, not everyone will be with us physically every year...you know? And I don't mean they just couldn't make the trip.

I find that hard to swallow. I don't dwell on it but I CANNOT imagine life without them now, you know. So funny. Six months ago I did not know any of them...and now...I can't imagine life without them.

Hugs,

Liz