Identity

I first thought of being diagnosed with cancer as a detour off of my life's highway...that eventually I would get back into my silver sports car and get back onto life's warm, sun-drenched highway...actually, truth be told, I just wanted my life to get back to "normal" ASAP...I just wanted to get back to teaching, coaching, and living the life I had pre-diagnosis because then, in my mind, life would be "normal" again and things would have some sense of order and control again.

But now, being almost 7 months post treatment, I am finding that it is not as easy to jump from the cancer world back to life's highway in the snap of a finger. I don't think it is possible for me for a few reasons. Having cancer and going through treatment...I accepted the experience and I choose to learn from it...this changes everything...and quite possibly the direction I was going on life's highway. Second, and the most heart wrenching, I lost Jason. Third, I went from being a young, married woman to a young, single woman while in treatment.

A few important ways I identified myself as were, in some ways, lost -- healthy, sister, wife.

I often wonder if other people experience the same self-doubt and sense of being lost in transition from cancer patient to cancer survivor (I am not fond of using the word "survivor" here because, in my opinion, it implies a sense of finality that I believe is misleading to the outside world) that I am experiencing.

The self-doubt comes from not knowing where to go from here...and having a hard time thinking about it. I am still me, at the core, but I have also changed...so where do I go from here? I am trying to understand what has changed, how I have changed, and what the implications of all these changes are.

The lost in transition comes from not being sure how to negotiate the delicate balance between acknowledging my cancer experience and learning to live a "normal" life again. I had a hard core 10 month experience...how do I transition myself back to "real world" living?...or knowing how to live a "normal" existence again...if it even exists...because the more I think about it, the idea of a "normal" life is an illusion, really. Life is about change...I think that is the only norm in life.

As I walked through the atrium at the cancer centre during my last appointment there I was overcome with emotion deep inside of me...I almost could not control the tears...when I got into the safety of the appointment room I let the tears flow. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I want this whole cancer experience to be a part of my past...I don't want to ever go to the cancer centre again. I don't want cancer to be a part of my life anymore. Who am I outside of the cancer world? I wish it could be like the flu...get sick, rest and seek treatment, and then you are back to life within a few days with the flu being nothing but a distant memory. Cancer is not so.

I think it was a moment of self pity. I don't want to dwell on what isn't but what is, you know...but sometimes I find myself grieving for what I dreamed could be but never will be.

Resisting life's changes and having to redefine my dreams? I don't think so.

Not liking being forced to change direction and dreams? Maybe.

I often hear people saying that cancer does not define someone, which I agree with. Cancer is, however, a defining moment in my life. I am not defined by cancer but it has defined a part of my life. I am not cancer, but I am not without cancer either. Cancer will forever be a part of my life's experience.

Another delicate balance in the works there...

Hugs,
Liz ENTROP

ps - writing about identity...thought I would add I am an "Entrop" again!! :+) Although my last name has changed...I will be keeping the blog address as is...makes it easier for everyone.