Since my birthday a few weeks ago I have felt a sense of heaviness around me...which is tied into the whole "where am I going in life now?" from my previous blog. I feel....umm, directionless...yea, I think that sums it up. I find it hard to be "OK" in this meantime experience. I couldn't figure out why I could not be OK just floating in the moment...allowing space and time to envelop me in its arms for a bit to give life a chance to give some direction...until last night. I think I had a moment of understanding. Not an Oprah "A-Ha" moment but a moment that gives me some clarity.
I keep a written journal and lately my writings in it have been drab because I feel like I don't have anything to offer or say...I feel pointless in life at the moment. And this is where I had a moment of clarity...into what this "heavy" feeling is...
I am tired of looking on the positive side of things...I am exhausted "reframing" events to see the good...I am drained from having to "rework" situations to find the silver lining.
I believed there were moments in life of pure joy and happiness where NOTHING had to be reframed or reworked...the moment gave off joy and happiness..it just is what it is...the positive was the moment and there was no "look on the bright side" to it.
I shudder to think that those moments are not in the cards for me. I feel like I have to continually take lemons and make lemonade...with no respite. It is not fun continually reworking and reframing life to live, to survive, to find any shred of goodness in what has happened.
I have said a few times on this journey that I have reached my limit...that I cannot take anymore...that I am as low as low gets...and I begged that things could ease...but life does not care.
I don't want to have to rework something horrible anymore. I don't want to have to rework or reframe to find some sense of goodness or to find some hidden blessing so I can continue on. I want something that is joyful and happy and good and loving to just happen...being what it is...just once...with no reworking or reframing required.
I want good things to happen.
I want joyful things to happen.
I want happy things to happen.
I want love to happen.
...with no struggle
...with no reworking
...with no "look at the positives"
...with no reframing
...just once...
I think I am dreaming here...maybe there are no moments like that...I am not sure anymore.
Or maybe I am asking too much.
Hugs,
Liz
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
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3 comments:
I am here, and always reading.
It is okay to say "I am exhausted, angry, drained, sad, lonely."
And it is okay to feel all of that too.
Sharing the truth about emotions is what friends are for. And I'm glad to be your friend.
-- Lisa W. (from Brock) xoxox.
it's unfortunate but in life we take the really great moments for granted. think about things in your life, it is easier to remember the crappy things that happened or the traumatic things that happened than the truly "joyful" moments. unfortunatly i have come to relize that this is human nature, we are constantly overlooking or taking for granted our happiest moments because to be truely happy is something that is just in our nature, while being unhappy or or struggle is just uncomfortable for us, so it is often these moments that leaver a mark or have us clutching for a "silver lining". I think if you look around liz you will see these momnets of joy happen all the time it is just hard to describe or embrace them for a lot of us. I know I sound like a 100 year old china man but this is what i have noticed over the course of my life. How often do you here people say, "i can't pay my bills", I am alone" "I have no money" " i hate my job", all the time right. you rarely hear a person say " i really enjoyed that family dinner" or "i ran into an old friend and we had a great conversation" or "i loved playing that hockey game last night" not often enough. you have to find the simple things in life as joyful and let the "shit" that happiness in our lives (and there is a lot) go on. if you embrace the small stuff and it makes you feel good, there is no need to reframe the other stuff, simply move on.
Hi Liz-
My name is Tom, and I'm writing on behalf of Planet Cancer.
Some time back, you posted some great photos on the PC forum -- we'd like to print those photos in our upcoming book!
If you could please contact me, I can arrange to send you a submission form, and I can get a hi-res copy of the photo.
Thank you in advance.
-Tom
tom@planetcancer.org
(917) 304-6455
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