Since my birthday a few weeks ago I have felt a sense of heaviness around me...which is tied into the whole "where am I going in life now?" from my previous blog. I feel....umm, directionless...yea, I think that sums it up. I find it hard to be "OK" in this meantime experience. I couldn't figure out why I could not be OK just floating in the moment...allowing space and time to envelop me in its arms for a bit to give life a chance to give some direction...until last night. I think I had a moment of understanding. Not an Oprah "A-Ha" moment but a moment that gives me some clarity.
I keep a written journal and lately my writings in it have been drab because I feel like I don't have anything to offer or say...I feel pointless in life at the moment. And this is where I had a moment of clarity...into what this "heavy" feeling is...
I am tired of looking on the positive side of things...I am exhausted "reframing" events to see the good...I am drained from having to "rework" situations to find the silver lining.
I believed there were moments in life of pure joy and happiness where NOTHING had to be reframed or reworked...the moment gave off joy and happiness..it just is what it is...the positive was the moment and there was no "look on the bright side" to it.
I shudder to think that those moments are not in the cards for me. I feel like I have to continually take lemons and make lemonade...with no respite. It is not fun continually reworking and reframing life to live, to survive, to find any shred of goodness in what has happened.
I have said a few times on this journey that I have reached my limit...that I cannot take anymore...that I am as low as low gets...and I begged that things could ease...but life does not care.
I don't want to have to rework something horrible anymore. I don't want to have to rework or reframe to find some sense of goodness or to find some hidden blessing so I can continue on. I want something that is joyful and happy and good and loving to just happen...being what it is...just once...with no reworking or reframing required.
I want good things to happen.
I want joyful things to happen.
I want happy things to happen.
I want love to happen.
...with no struggle
...with no reworking
...with no "look at the positives"
...with no reframing
...just once...
I think I am dreaming here...maybe there are no moments like that...I am not sure anymore.
Or maybe I am asking too much.
Hugs,
Liz
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Identity
I first thought of being diagnosed with cancer as a detour off of my life's highway...that eventually I would get back into my silver sports car and get back onto life's warm, sun-drenched highway...actually, truth be told, I just wanted my life to get back to "normal" ASAP...I just wanted to get back to teaching, coaching, and living the life I had pre-diagnosis because then, in my mind, life would be "normal" again and things would have some sense of order and control again.
But now, being almost 7 months post treatment, I am finding that it is not as easy to jump from the cancer world back to life's highway in the snap of a finger. I don't think it is possible for me for a few reasons. Having cancer and going through treatment...I accepted the experience and I choose to learn from it...this changes everything...and quite possibly the direction I was going on life's highway. Second, and the most heart wrenching, I lost Jason. Third, I went from being a young, married woman to a young, single woman while in treatment.
A few important ways I identified myself as were, in some ways, lost -- healthy, sister, wife.
I often wonder if other people experience the same self-doubt and sense of being lost in transition from cancer patient to cancer survivor (I am not fond of using the word "survivor" here because, in my opinion, it implies a sense of finality that I believe is misleading to the outside world) that I am experiencing.
The self-doubt comes from not knowing where to go from here...and having a hard time thinking about it. I am still me, at the core, but I have also changed...so where do I go from here? I am trying to understand what has changed, how I have changed, and what the implications of all these changes are.
The lost in transition comes from not being sure how to negotiate the delicate balance between acknowledging my cancer experience and learning to live a "normal" life again. I had a hard core 10 month experience...how do I transition myself back to "real world" living?...or knowing how to live a "normal" existence again...if it even exists...because the more I think about it, the idea of a "normal" life is an illusion, really. Life is about change...I think that is the only norm in life.
As I walked through the atrium at the cancer centre during my last appointment there I was overcome with emotion deep inside of me...I almost could not control the tears...when I got into the safety of the appointment room I let the tears flow. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I want this whole cancer experience to be a part of my past...I don't want to ever go to the cancer centre again. I don't want cancer to be a part of my life anymore. Who am I outside of the cancer world? I wish it could be like the flu...get sick, rest and seek treatment, and then you are back to life within a few days with the flu being nothing but a distant memory. Cancer is not so.
I think it was a moment of self pity. I don't want to dwell on what isn't but what is, you know...but sometimes I find myself grieving for what I dreamed could be but never will be.
Resisting life's changes and having to redefine my dreams? I don't think so.
Not liking being forced to change direction and dreams? Maybe.
I often hear people saying that cancer does not define someone, which I agree with. Cancer is, however, a defining moment in my life. I am not defined by cancer but it has defined a part of my life. I am not cancer, but I am not without cancer either. Cancer will forever be a part of my life's experience.
Another delicate balance in the works there...
Hugs,
Liz ENTROP
ps - writing about identity...thought I would add I am an "Entrop" again!! :+) Although my last name has changed...I will be keeping the blog address as is...makes it easier for everyone.
But now, being almost 7 months post treatment, I am finding that it is not as easy to jump from the cancer world back to life's highway in the snap of a finger. I don't think it is possible for me for a few reasons. Having cancer and going through treatment...I accepted the experience and I choose to learn from it...this changes everything...and quite possibly the direction I was going on life's highway. Second, and the most heart wrenching, I lost Jason. Third, I went from being a young, married woman to a young, single woman while in treatment.
A few important ways I identified myself as were, in some ways, lost -- healthy, sister, wife.
I often wonder if other people experience the same self-doubt and sense of being lost in transition from cancer patient to cancer survivor (I am not fond of using the word "survivor" here because, in my opinion, it implies a sense of finality that I believe is misleading to the outside world) that I am experiencing.
The self-doubt comes from not knowing where to go from here...and having a hard time thinking about it. I am still me, at the core, but I have also changed...so where do I go from here? I am trying to understand what has changed, how I have changed, and what the implications of all these changes are.
The lost in transition comes from not being sure how to negotiate the delicate balance between acknowledging my cancer experience and learning to live a "normal" life again. I had a hard core 10 month experience...how do I transition myself back to "real world" living?...or knowing how to live a "normal" existence again...if it even exists...because the more I think about it, the idea of a "normal" life is an illusion, really. Life is about change...I think that is the only norm in life.
As I walked through the atrium at the cancer centre during my last appointment there I was overcome with emotion deep inside of me...I almost could not control the tears...when I got into the safety of the appointment room I let the tears flow. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I want this whole cancer experience to be a part of my past...I don't want to ever go to the cancer centre again. I don't want cancer to be a part of my life anymore. Who am I outside of the cancer world? I wish it could be like the flu...get sick, rest and seek treatment, and then you are back to life within a few days with the flu being nothing but a distant memory. Cancer is not so.
I think it was a moment of self pity. I don't want to dwell on what isn't but what is, you know...but sometimes I find myself grieving for what I dreamed could be but never will be.
Resisting life's changes and having to redefine my dreams? I don't think so.
Not liking being forced to change direction and dreams? Maybe.
I often hear people saying that cancer does not define someone, which I agree with. Cancer is, however, a defining moment in my life. I am not defined by cancer but it has defined a part of my life. I am not cancer, but I am not without cancer either. Cancer will forever be a part of my life's experience.
Another delicate balance in the works there...
Hugs,
Liz ENTROP
ps - writing about identity...thought I would add I am an "Entrop" again!! :+) Although my last name has changed...I will be keeping the blog address as is...makes it easier for everyone.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wild, Unruly Lion's Mane!!
Shaving my head when I was in chemo was something I decided to do so I would not have to watch my hair fall out...it kinda made it feel like it was my choice when my hair was going to go away and that I was not a captive to the whims of cancer and treatment. It was all about having some sense of POWER and CONTROL when I went to shave my head. I was thinking, "The cancer ain't gonna take my hair...I will shave it!" LOL, that was one of my thoughts to help me cope...we all have to deal with it in our own way, eh. I did not really think twice about it.
But now!! It is a WHOLE other story!!. My hair is growing in CURLY and full of BODY (aka POOFY)! LOL! It is a bit hard to get used to that. Those who knew me pre-treatment knew my hair to be stick straight, fine, and long. Now....I like to refer to my hair as an unruly lion's mane! LOL! Every other day is an awkward hair day...I am getting much better at not comparing my current hair to my pre-chemo hair though. In general, I am learning not to compare my current self to how I was pre-treatment --> very important!!
Anywho, I was just wondering if any ladies who may read this struggled with the way their hair grew in? I find it is my biggest insecurity at the moment and I wear this insecurity on my sleeve!! Any tips on how you all dealt with a different colour, style, texture, and length of your hair growing back? Any GIRL POWER tips (hey, the Spice Girls are reunited and touring!...gotta have some girl power!!!)?? :+)
I know this seems like such a petty and superficial thing in the grand scheme of things...and that does cross my mind and I think that is a valid statement...but it is what it is...I am doing my best!! :+)
Just e-mail me or leave a comment! Thanks!
Here is a recent pic of my wild and unruly lion's mane!
Hugs,
Liz
ps - WillToWin....I get the "did you perm your hair?" too!! LOL! So funny!! I am also told that if I dye my hair red I could play the part of little Orphan Annie! LOL...too funny! :+)
But now!! It is a WHOLE other story!!. My hair is growing in CURLY and full of BODY (aka POOFY)! LOL! It is a bit hard to get used to that. Those who knew me pre-treatment knew my hair to be stick straight, fine, and long. Now....I like to refer to my hair as an unruly lion's mane! LOL! Every other day is an awkward hair day...I am getting much better at not comparing my current hair to my pre-chemo hair though. In general, I am learning not to compare my current self to how I was pre-treatment --> very important!!
Anywho, I was just wondering if any ladies who may read this struggled with the way their hair grew in? I find it is my biggest insecurity at the moment and I wear this insecurity on my sleeve!! Any tips on how you all dealt with a different colour, style, texture, and length of your hair growing back? Any GIRL POWER tips (hey, the Spice Girls are reunited and touring!...gotta have some girl power!!!)?? :+)
I know this seems like such a petty and superficial thing in the grand scheme of things...and that does cross my mind and I think that is a valid statement...but it is what it is...I am doing my best!! :+)
Just e-mail me or leave a comment! Thanks!
Here is a recent pic of my wild and unruly lion's mane!
Hugs,
Liz
ps - WillToWin....I get the "did you perm your hair?" too!! LOL! So funny!! I am also told that if I dye my hair red I could play the part of little Orphan Annie! LOL...too funny! :+)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year's Ramblings
Random ramblings...LOL...I am all about them...this time of year always brings them out of me.
To describe my life right now…I am not sure what to say. On one hand I am happy but on another hand…everything is so uncertain. I think this is normal. Truly, for everyone, life is uncertain...and why it stands out for me is because I have been forced to acknowledge the fact that things are uncertain...my lack of control in this journey of life has been thrown in my face over the past year. But that is OK.
This new year what I am striving to do is be…someone who looks everyone in the eye. Someone who sees the worth of all the people I meet. Someone who can see the beauty in each moment. Someone who can find laughter in the every day. Someone who can enjoy where I am…not wanting to fast forward the moment but rather reveling in the entire moment and giving my whole self to the moment. Someone who will be open to taking risks…even if it means opening myself up to the possibility of feeling stupid, scared, or embarrassed…and even if it means opening myself up to being hurt. Someone who lives by the motto that it's better to regret what I did do then what I didn't do.
I want to be a better person.
All we have is this moment…right now. I want to be someone who lives in the truth of that.
"I don't want to forget the present is a gift...And I don't want to take for granted the time you may have here with me...Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed..." (Alicia Keys -- Like You'll Never See me Again -- Album: As I am)
Living in the truth of that does not mean there will not be hard times or rough times…for me, I will accept those times but I will not let them last long…maybe a few minutes…maybe an hour…but any longer and I will have to end it because it is a waste of my time. Life is too short to be melancholy for too long. Things will go wrong and things will not always go according to the plans...I think I have learned to roll with the punches. There is required a certain level of letting go of what little control we think we have to be able to roll with what life throws at us.
Choose to live. Choose to love. Choose to laugh. Choose to be alive. Choose to risk.
Here is a secret I want to share...there are four precepts to life...this is not all there is to life but we all need these in our life as a kind of base...:
Live well – Love deeply – Laugh often – Pray daily
"Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed."
Hmmm...the more I think and reflect...the more I realize I don't know a whole lot. LOL
Hugs,
Liz
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