Zest for Life!

That "valley" I was living in from the early weeks of January to early last week is something I have realized just had to be what it was. I wanted to rush through it and get it over with...but it does not work like that.

Suffering is a great teacher...

My last blog I wrote from smack dab in that "valley." While in that place the two main things were my birthday --> where I thought I would be in life and what I thought I would have achieved by this age...and where I actually am in life now...and Jason's birthday/death --> he would have been 31...learning to live in his absence...not an easy task.

I do have my zest for life again! Found it...or was given it, I am not sure.

I have had some great moments in the past few weeks...wonderful, joyful, happy moments. Moments that I was not sure I would experience again...but I am ALIVE and I did experience them! Kim came to town and I got together with some of my friends I met while in Europe whom I had not seen in 5.5 years and St. Chris' had a lunch in my honour...just to list a few of these wonderful moments (I will not list them all for fear of leaving one out but know that I have enjoyed all of my wonderful, joyful, happy moments!!)! Kim...her friendship means the world to me and to be able to spend some time with her and her daughter is something I cherish...and we had a dinner with some old friends from highschool too...it was just amazing. And I just wanted to burst at the seams when I saw my friends I had not seen in 5.5 years and we had a fabulous and enchanting evening filling in the gaps since we last saw each other...there were laughs, tears, and a lot of love present as we each took a turn telling our stories with, "When I got off the plane from Europe, I... ." And St. Chris...an amazing school with amazing staff...so humbled by their compassion and kindness...really touches me. Even when I saw my gyn/onc...when he walked into the room I was so happy...I just felt this great feeling of joy. He is a very cool doctor, very patient oriented, and I know that when I go there...he is sincere and genuine.

I am getting better at dealing with my cancer...telling my story or answering questions or thinking about it and then putting it back on my shoulder...I wish I could package it up in a box and burn it but, alas, it is something I have to deal with daily.

My last appointment with my gyn/onc we discussed signs and symptoms of the cancer at this stage in the game...BLAH! Such a crazy thing...feeling ALIVE and having my ZEST for LIFE back and having to discuss the great possibility of this disease ravaging my body.

My gyn/onc and I were chatting about how I am doing and I was saying to him how I am trying to have some "plan" for my future (I think having a plan gives me direction while at the same time I acknowledge that life rarely goes according to plans) but that I find it extremely difficult looking past today with the ambiguity of this disease in me. He replied, "I know Liz. I'm sorry." He gave me some more words but the gist of it here is...nothing more can really be said there...no magic words, it is what it is. There is no simple solution.

My BIGGEST fear of having some plan or goals set is that I am scared this cancer will knock me down again...and if I have no plans or goals, in my mind, I think that would make it easier. I don't want to blindly plan life for fear of being knocked down by cancer again. I don't know how that would go...I can still remember the pain and anguish and desperation when I was first told I had cancer.

However, I don't want to let my fears control me. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to live with passion and zest. When I look back on my life I want to be proud of myself and not have any regrets...regardless of my fears, then, I am stepping on the ice to play the game of life. That is the way it has to be...I just can't live fully ALIVE and be happy with myself if I let fear have a say in how I do things...

Hugs,
Liz Entrop