Life has been slow moving...for so long I have felt that I was sliding backwards...not going anywhere…spinning in circles…for every step forward I was able to make, I took 7 steps backward...and thinking this far ahead, to one year post treatment, was impossible.
Yet, here I find myself...one year later.
To reach this moment is a miracle for me.
I am alive! Every day I get I embrace...I love...I live. I get another chance to cultivate myself into the kind of person I want to be.
I am no longer numb. I open my arms and heart to life and the spectrum of feelings and experiences that life gives me.
I have been to the pits of hell on earth...I have been utterly alone, broken and shattered...and I lived.
The most ordinary day to most seems so majestic, beautiful and full of possibilities to me.
I strive to love recklessly and reach out into the unknown. There may be some hurt and embarrassment and fear to overcome doing this but the point is not the outcome but that I am able to open myself to others...to risk...to feel...to be vulnerable...to LIVE!
I will only pass this way once. I will only have one go around and I don't know how long I will be swirling around the dance floor with life...I do what I can, to the best of my abilities, to lay my head down at night, in peace, knowing that the day I have just lived was worthwhile. I may not have scaled a mountain nor rescued an old lady from a burning building but rather that I have found joy in my day...and maybe, hopefully, more than my own, that I have helped someone find joy in theirs.
For all that I have learned and realized...there is still so much more to learn and realize.
There is no end. If one reaches the pinnacle of their growth, they cease to live. And where there is no growth, no reaching to be a better person...there is a prime of example of wasted time.
I have made a conscious decision to try to reach out to people instead of judging them in their situation or not acknowledging them. I don't want to make anyone feel bad or any less deserving of love and affection, or lacking in a sense of belonging and acceptance...when I felt that way it was horrible and very painful and my whole world was void of any hope or sunshine...I felt worthless and as if I had nothing to offer anyone...that there was no point to my existence...the world was a very dark and very cold and very lonely place.
A year later I am thankful...I am moving forward and the sun shines bright in my world again...but I want to remember the lessons learned when I was in that dark abyss...the biggest one being that to love people is to be vulnerable and to be open to hurt and embarrassment and rejection that can come from reaching out to others...it is hard.
When I cross someone's path in life I want to bring something positive and worthwhile to them in that experience. I don't always succeed but so far I keep waking up each morning to another chance to become the kind of person I want to be.
We are only here on earth for such a short time...I want my footprints to be good ones.
"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now."
Hugs,
Liz
