Afterwards...

I had lunch with a dear friend a little bit ago and it has got me thinking...about this journey post treatment...the part of the journey that is often ignored or downplayed but is just as, if not more, important than the journey through diagnosis and treatment.

When a tough path of the journey is over, there is almost an expectation that someone will be as they were before...that they will jump back into the role they fulfilled before...mainly, perhaps, dare I say, the person puts this guilty expectation on themselves...and, perhaps, feels it more so from others? Make sense?

Finding my place after treatment has been interesting.

I write this because I have dropped off writing here much...for extraneous reasons...and yet, in my experience, post treatment is when the most help is needed...giving my emotional and mental self the chance to catch up and make sense of what has happened...giving myself a chance to get my life together by discovering my new "normal," dealing with what I have been through, figuring out where I am going, who I am now, what my experiences all mean to me now..having someone who is willing to listen to my story and my experiences and what I have thought and felt...dealing with the emotions, thoughts, fears and feelings in a real way. Acknowledging my emotions, thoughts, fears and feelings with no comparison to other people who are perceived as worse off...or thinking how things could have been different or worse for me...but really understanding what I felt and experienced and being aware of it and dealing with it and using it to help me figure out where to go from here.

When treatment ends, the tough physical journey is over and the steps to healing begin there...but the emotional and mental journey continues...maybe even becomes a little more magnified.

Life has changed. Priorities are different. I am the same person...but many things about me have changed...who I was before, I still have pieces of her in me, but I am different...in a good way, I believe.

Discovering who I am now...it has been challenging because of my own expectations and the perceived expectations from others...to be who I was...to be what I was...to be as I was before...to think how I did before...to continue life as before...but I can never go back there and live that way...not for any horrible reason...but for a great reason in my opinion...I can't go back because that person has been transformed.

I have learned hard lessons...gained some life experience...and have found a better way of living...in some ways, it is a blessing of what I have been through...it has been a HARD journey, I don't want to knock it, but I would never give it up. The perspective I have gained has been worth it...I am proud of who I have become and how I see life and where my priorities are now. It may not be logical to some who have not walked my path, but I know there are people out there who have walked a similar path as me and they get it.

Here is some advice from the coach in me: When your path in life becomes hard and rocky and icky...deal with it...deal with what you think, feel, fear and everything else in between...there are great lessons in suffering...lessons that can transform you. It may be hard and painful and you may want to quit...but there is no fulfillment in quitting...meaningful life awaits you at the finish line...you can get to the finish line.

"Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain."

Hugs and Love,
Liz

:)

Whoa!

I was thrown for a loop again!! I wonder if it is about timing this week...

I went to "Stitch It" at the mall to have a pair of my jeans fixed. The seamstress asked for my last name...I said it to her...she typed it in and...guess the name that popped onto the screen in bright white letters..."JASON ENTROP." I called my mom after I left the store...I know when something like this happens I need an outlet, someone I can share this with...and that is OK...and it makes me feel better sharing it.

Pretty random.

Hugs,
Liz

:)

2 Years!

It is hard to believe it has been 2 years since Jason's tragic accident. I never thought I could get to a moment where I did not break down into tears thinking about this day...where I did not feel like getting sick. Sometimes it just takes time...and some need more time than others.

I have found that with time the pain that seared at my heart has lessoned...that automatic "get sick" response has dissipated. I still miss him and love him dearly and think about the wonderful brother and friend he was to me...but in time I have learned to live without him here...to find happiness and love and joy and wonder and peace and sunshine again after November 19th, 2006, in a way I never thought possible. For me, there is no moving on...because, in a way, I don't think I will ever get over Jason's death...instead, with each day I have learned how to live with his absence.

I still have some random moments...I am not sure if others get thrown for a loop...but, it happened to me last Saturday. I saw an accident...snowy conditions, road closed, etc...and immediately Jason's accident came to mind and everything about that day...the pain, the loss, the sadness, the heartache, the unending yearning to see him I had that day. It caught me by surpirse. And I shed a few tears. I didn't understand why and thought I was crazy!! :o) I think, for me, grief is a process and it isn't linear...and I am not sure it ever really ends...the acuteness definitely lessons with time...and I have a love and zest for life again...but maybe there will always be a tug in my heart sometimes...who knows.

So, today, I celebrate the life of Jason. He was an amazing brother and friend to me.

Life is not the same but life can still be good and happy and joyous and full of wonder and love...the sun shines again.

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."

Love and Hugs,
Liz

:)

Perspective Quote

Favourite quote I keep forgetting to put on here that helped me gain perspective...

"The wise man in a storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear."

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The Winnipeg Gang - 2008

United by cancer we share our journeys...hopes, dreams, fears, struggles, fall backs, joys, tears, laughs...our love of life and each other keeps us close even though we are far apart!

Kara, Val, Karalee & Me!

Love You Girls!

xoxoxox

Hugs,
Liz