Sometimes I feel that I should be “there” and that most people think I am “there” in my journey…and, in fact, that most people expect me to be “there” by now…but I am not “there” yet…I hope to be “there” and I am working on getting “there” but for the time being I am “here”.
Sometimes when I am around others I try to think and talk like I am “there” and I try to act like I am…and the crazy thing is I feel that I should be “there” and so I ignore what is going on inside of me…to try to appear that I am “there” to others.
I am walking a path that has no footprints ahead of me…I am figuring it out as I go and, like most people, I bounce things off of others (sometimes subtly, other times directly) and ponder their reactions and opinions and ideas, etc. I use that feedback to help me figure out if where I am going is OK and on the right track…and to help me try to figure out where I should step next…unfortunately my experience is not one most people have been through…and although people mean their best and I am thankful when they help...it is a journey I have to figure out for myself…even with my cancer friends...our journeys and experiences, being similar, are not the same…parts of this journey we must do alone.
So, I put on my mask and act like I am “there” and in doing so I tell myself I am not OK where I am and I am not good enough where I am...I ignore what I am feeling on the inside...I ignore what my heart is telling me…and, hence, I get all discombobulated inside.
It is vulnerable being where I am…I cannot hide it from people even when I try to because it eventually shows up whether in random and spontaneous actions that don’t quite make sense or when I withdraw and push people away…and when I do commit one of those actions…there is some instant liberation and euphoria in it, but for the most part, and in the long run, it doesn't help.
I don’t have faith in my future…I wish I did and I wish I could pretend that when I talk about my dreams, and forward thinking things of that nature, that I enjoy those discussions to the fullest without leaking out my fears…but, a part of me finds it very hard…to look forward...I feel anxious when I try to. And to see others be so confident in their future astounds me…they can “see” themselves in their future. I can’t. I am not “there” yet.
Hugs,
Liz
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
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4 comments:
"Here" is simply a good place to be...
love ya, Deb
Unfortunately you are the car in the blizzard that is leading the way for everyone else. Your task by far the hardest, but the only thing you can do is "your" best to steer your life in the direction that you are hoping to go. You are a light and a guide to so many in how you live and lead your life. However, you are the one who lays tracks on the road of your life (which just happens to make the destination/ life more insightful for those "behind" or around you). Just do your best and don't try to be in the place you think other people put you in. Be true to you and your feelings, that's all that really matters. You live with yourself so you need to be honest to yourself :) Thanks for keeping real..
We have a mutual friend who introduced me to your blog. I have to tell you that I was addicted to your words and couldn't stop reading for two nights straight..and am now caught up on your life. No, I'm not a stalker :) but I am a nurse who works with cancer patients. I have found so much inspiration from your words and although I don't understand what you're going through, your thoughts are provoking and give me insight into how my patients might be feeling. For that I thank you.
In the meantime I must say that no matter what you think, you're a very strong woman. Others in your place, who have been through everything you have been through would not be able to cope as well as you are. Sure, you seem to have 'those days', but if you didn't, you wouldn't be human.
Congratulations for coming through this with what I think is a strong spirit, incredible sense of humour and a passion for life.
Nice to meet you Liz.
Hi Liz:
At your young age, you have been through more than most people who have lived twice or three times as long.
It will be ten years since my endometrial cancer diagnosis in April, and I know some people continue to think that I "should" be somewhere else than where I am. I can't tell you how many people told me along the way that I "should" stop researching so many details about my cancer (translated: stop obsessing and go back to the life you had before). My cancer journey did not involve even a small fraction the suffering of yours and yet the experience changed me so significantly, hopefully for the better after all the dust settled.
You lost your beloved only brother Jason at the same time you learned you had advanced cancer. Then your world was shattered once again with the dissolution of your marriage. I can't even imagine the emotional pain you have survived, let alone the physical ordeal and changes.
My only advice (if you will allow me to be so bold as to offer any) is to take the "shoulds" out of your vocabulary. Follow your heart and your gut instincts. They will serve you well, as I know from reading your posts that your heart is in the right place and instincts are solid.
Wishing you much health and happiness in 2009,
Maureen (MoeKay from HysterSisters)
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