It would have been so much awesomer (is that a word?) to be in TO for it and more actively involved with it, though, in the end, I really hope I can help...in the capacity and role I was given...I want to do it well and to the best of my abilities and really give people an idea of what it was like and what would be helpful to someone in my situation. I just want to represent well.
In general, I have this "feeling" that I am supposed to share my journey or apply my journey and its lessons somewhere...to help others...whether that is straight through my blog or something more...I am not sure...I like sharing it...and will share it at any given opportunity...and something in me says this is a step in the right direction, this media blitz for the Canadian Cancer Society (CCS).
I am meant to help others...what I went through was something I believe was my destiny (as crazy as that sounds)...it was hell, but I had all the tools within me and around me (others, etc) to get through it intact...although the task in front of me at that time seemed WAY TOO MUCH.
It amazes me...I never thought I could or would be where I am in life now...the joy and happiness and peace that I have inside...sometimes I am overwhelmed in such a wonderful way of all the beauty in my life and how amazing life really is...I never thought I would be here, in this moment, when I was living through the most painful and dark times in my journey...I had no idea how life could or would change during it all...but then as my dense chemo fog began to lift and I was getting the kind if help I needed (bless my social worker, Tammy, and my forever best friend/soul sister, Kim, both very instrumental in my journey)...I began to take action...and I also began to understand things more...and I started to learn and grow and, in essence, change...and that is when my life really began to change, too.
Sensational!! It amazes me, the power I had to affect the change. It was all up to me...what I chose...whether I acted or not...it all determined the outcome...and that, as amazing as it sounds, is SCARY as hell because, in the end, IT WAS ALL UP TO ME...life had kicked my butt and, yet, if I wanted to move forward I had to ACT, life was not going to give me a break...that was a tough one to take, let me tell ya! I thought I deserved a break from life and was waiting for it...and only heard the sound of crickets...
Only I could change my life...no one else...it was all up to me...how I looked at my life, how I framed the events of my life, my choices, my thoughts and the ACTIONS I took in regards to what was important to me, etc...I caps'd "actions" because it took me so long to believe I could actually do anything about my life...to stop crying, to stop praying to God that I would die, to get out of bed, to eat, to come out of hiding, to love myself again, to reach out for help, to sell the house, to find an apartment, to settle the divorce, to actually move on...I dragged my feet...let me tell ya it was DAMN hard...but once I moved to action, my life slowly started changing...there were still ups and downs but the general direction and feeling inside me was so much better and stable...what I was living through was not more than I could handle, per se (you know that cheesy line where people say God never gives you more than you can handle).
I resisted taking any action at first but then I released myself to it...and, in the end, peace is so important to me...that I wanted to deal with my life and make the best of the whole situation to be at peace and be happy, no matter what the final outcome will be...and this feeling that others were watching me (through the blog, friends, etc), it is not a bad feeling to be watched, but they needed to see a conqueror...not someone who just laid down and died (figuratively), although I believe they would have completely understood if I had (~Great Quote~ ).
Life kicked me hard...and I wanted to stand back up...to show that it can be done...which always leads me to the belief that I went through it all to help others, otherwise it would all be in vain.
I had to go through all that pain and suffering and loss and dark dark dark abyss because others needed me to go through that to be able to help them now...and I would not be able to help them had I not gone through what I did...make sense?
How, exactly, it will all come together, I am not sure. You know...I wonder if it is like a puzzle...a piece of it is here (my blog), another over there (this media thing for the CCS), etc, and before I know it, and as I attend to each individual piece as I discover it...a beautiful picture is taking shape...it is not some GRANDIOSE moment how it all comes together...but little moments (like putting each piece of a puzzle into its proper place when I discover it) that all add up to the beautiful picture, you know?
Anywho, I just know something is out there for me. I know for certain that what I have lived through was something of my reason for being here on earth...but there is more to it...and it excites me to know there is more to it...but I am not sure where the "more" is or what exactly it entails...but part of it, I think, is that others need me...
Suffering is HELL but a great teacher to those who are willing to learn, grow and change.
Hugs,
Liz
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