Burn Baby Burn -- Cleansing!

I decided to start the New Year off right...having a bonfire...using my wedding pics, journals from when I was with my ex, my cancer-time journals and other such memorabilia as kindling!!! My friend, Shannon, and I did this together...as she had some "kindling" of her own for the fire as well!! She is a friend of mine that goes waaaay back to nursery school. The amazing thing here is, we lost contact for at least a decade...and then, at Jason's funeral, in she walks...and, although so much time had passed since we last communicated...I felt instant comfort when I looked into her eyes.

Anywho, back to the burning...thought I would share some of our delicious pictures!!!

All of our stuff together...by the burn bin!!

Starting the burn...my favourite wedding picture and her favourite picture of her ex...we

mean business!!! Hahaha!!

Posing for a picture alongside our roaring fire...burn baby burn...

Our lovely fire pit...from Canadian Tire!!

A bit blurry...but wanted to share me doing my happy dance!

The last piece of kindling to go on the fire...after almost 2 hours!!

Hugs,

Liz

Changing Thoughts

Random Thought: I was OK with dying...I got to that place where the thought of dying was not terrifying or scary...the journey took me there...but I find myself in this moment now...living and loving life...and I don't have that same sense of being OK wth dying like I did when I was in treatment. In fact, to think of dying now...it hurts my heart deep.

Make sense?

Hugs,
Liz

:)

Round and Round...Same Old Same Old... ;)

Sometimes I feel that I should be “there” and that most people think I am “there” in my journey…and, in fact, that most people expect me to be “there” by now…but I am not “there” yet…I hope to be “there” and I am working on getting “there” but for the time being I am “here”.

Sometimes when I am around others I try to think and talk like I am “there” and I try to act like I am…and the crazy thing is I feel that I should be “there” and so I ignore what is going on inside of me…to try to appear that I am “there” to others.

I am walking a path that has no footprints ahead of me…I am figuring it out as I go and, like most people, I bounce things off of others (sometimes subtly, other times directly) and ponder their reactions and opinions and ideas, etc. I use that feedback to help me figure out if where I am going is OK and on the right track…and to help me try to figure out where I should step next…unfortunately my experience is not one most people have been through…and although people mean their best and I am thankful when they help...it is a journey I have to figure out for myself…even with my cancer friends...our journeys and experiences, being similar, are not the same…parts of this journey we must do alone.

So, I put on my mask and act like I am “there” and in doing so I tell myself I am not OK where I am and I am not good enough where I am...I ignore what I am feeling on the inside...I ignore what my heart is telling me…and, hence, I get all discombobulated inside.

It is vulnerable being where I am…I cannot hide it from people even when I try to because it eventually shows up whether in random and spontaneous actions that don’t quite make sense or when I withdraw and push people away…and when I do commit one of those actions…there is some instant liberation and euphoria in it, but for the most part, and in the long run, it doesn't help.

I don’t have faith in my future…I wish I did and I wish I could pretend that when I talk about my dreams, and forward thinking things of that nature, that I enjoy those discussions to the fullest without leaking out my fears…but, a part of me finds it very hard…to look forward...I feel anxious when I try to. And to see others be so confident in their future astounds me…they can “see” themselves in their future. I can’t. I am not “there” yet.

Hugs,
Liz