"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom."
~ Anais Nin~
This quote popped into my head this evening ... after I had helped some young people carry my couch to their car ... well, what used to be my couch. My apartment has been looking more and more bare lately. I am in the midst of selling off a majority of my earthly possessions. See, as I have been contemplating my new direction in life I have decided to change locations ... in a few short weeks ... yuppers!
Maybe I am impatient, maybe I am restless, maybe I am right on target ... who really knows? Sometimes a girl has just got to trust herself and her instincts and see what comes of it ... at worst I will have an amazing adventure on the open road!
I have learned that life is what we make of it ... and at the moment, I feel useless, not needed, and that I have reached my potential where I am at ... there are no opportunities or possibilities for me here ... so I am heading out into a new area to create some opportunities and possibilities for myself.
I have been tight in the "bud" for the past three years ... and, well, it is time to blossom ... time to give myself a chance to breath deep ... dream again ... gain some faith back into my future. The painfulness of remaining in the "bud" is motivation enough for me to face the sun, close my eyes, follow my heart, and head out on the open road.
I think I blogged about my thoughts right after treatment ... where I thought I had been through so much that the world owed me something ... a break, a chance, some luck. I know that is not how life works ... I was just so tired from everything I had been through and lacking hope and joy. That was part 1 of that lesson ... life does not owe me for my sufferings and personal adversity. Part 2 was that if I stay here, where I am, and nothing changes, then I will go nowhere fast. I need to change something for myself. I did not realize before cancer how much of our own fate and destiny is shaped by our choices and actions and thoughts. "Are we not the framers of our own destiny? Are we not the arbitrators of our fate?" I have been hoping something would change for me ... a circumstance would pop up or an opportunity would appear or develop ... I have done my share of background work to make things happen ... but nothing has materialized ... so I take that as my cue to try something else. I have tried to get it to work here ... where I am ... I really have ... but my life is beckoning me elsewhere. And thankfully I can pick up and go ... there is nothing holding me back ... well, besides that voice on my shoulder that whispers to me, "What about your cancer?" And when it does that, I smack my shoulder! ;)
I have come to a point in my cancer journey where my experience was so real, yet it seems quite awhile ago. Besides that scare in the Spring I went through ... there is not much change. The conversation with my primary oncologist has been playing through my mind a lot more lately ... "In my experience, the question is not if you will need more chemo, but when will you need more chemo" ... some days this is easier to swallow than others. What does it all mean for me? ... who really knows?! ... I keep waking up to a new day ... so, all I can say is so far so good!
More often than not, my cancer does not scare me so much anymore. I am 2 years out of treatment ... and to many people's surprise, I have not reoccurred. That is not to say it is not growing in me (I don't get monthly, bi-monthly, semi-annual or annual scans ... why cause myself the anxiety? ... besides, I will know before any doctor or scan tells me so ... and it will be my secret until I can no longer keep it a secret).
But I am telling you ... if I get out there ... and it decides to make an appearance ... I will be ticked! All that moving for nothing!! Hahaha!
Hugs,
Liz
:)
